Talk To Me
by Radiorox
Summary: After Harm is released from the brig for Singer's murder, he is ordered to see a therapist.  Every session makes him see how much he needs Mac in his life.
1. Treated With Neglect

Title: Talk To Me

Author: Radiorox

Rating: T

Summary: After Harm is released from the brig for Singer's murder, he is ordered to see a therapist. Every session makes him see how much he needs Mac in his life.

AN: Title comes right from Stevie Nicks' song of the same name.

The idea of Harm seeing a shrink was interesting. This is probably a dumb story and will bring up a lot of past episodes that we know by heart but… hey why not? Appease the muse I must!

**Chapter 1 - Treated With Neglect**

Commander Harmon Rabb Junior took a deep breath before pulling door handle of his SUV and stepping out of the vehicle. He glanced up at the building, the Naval hospital that he'd spent time at both as a patient and a visitor. Yet again, he would grace its halls in hopes of getting his career back on track.

It wasn't that he wanted or needed to see a psychiatrist but his commanding officer had ordered him to. Harm was definitely not in a position to argue considering his antics had brought NCIS into JAG and ripped apart the sanctity of headquarters.

So no, he wouldn't argue. He would attend each session, do what was asked of him and then move on. Only he wasn't sure where to start this time when he'd acted guilty and kept everyone he cared for at arms length. So much that not a single one of his friends visited him in the brig. Not a single one.

Not that he wanted them there. In all honesty, it was best that they remained far away so that they wouldn't cause problems during his trial. But, he couldn't help but feel _neglected_.

Harm just never expected _she_ would stay away. Not with their history, their friendship, the trust they had for each other. Lieutenant Colonel Sarah MacKenzie was more than just his best friend; she was everything to him. _Everything_. The voice of reason when his emotions led him astray - the woman he loved so much it hurt. And dammit, he was hurting now to know that she cared so little for his well being.

As he went up the steps to the hospital it seemed like some cosmic curse was played out for him. There dressed in her Marine greens speaking with someone in scrubs was Mac. She knew he was there, it was evident as she suddenly stopped her conversation, dismissed the doctor she was speaking to and walked towards Harm.

A look of relief washed over her beautiful face and Harm took another deep breath as he approached. He wasn't ready for this, for her. "Harm." She breathed his name out as all of her longed to wrap him in her arms and never let go. They were both in uniform and that ever present sense of propriety made their greeting painfully awkward.

Harm half smiled at her. "Colonel."

The way he said her rank was stern, too stern for them. He was wearing sunglasses which prevented Mac from reading his eyes, not that she needed to. His tone of voice was indication enough that he was upset. "The Admiral said you got out a few days ago. I've been calling you since, even stopped by." She hated how desperate she sounded but, it had been the truth.

"Haven't really been in the mood for company. Not even yours."

"Oh." Ouch. His words were said in a controlled tone meant to hurt, which they did. Mac couldn't keep her voice from cracking. "Are you okay?"

Harm shrugged and then brought his arms across his chest. "Well no one has tried to pin a murder on me today. I'd say things are looking up."

"That's not funny!" Mac admonished. "I was.. we were all worried."

"Right. Whatever, Mac." He snorted and then made to move around Mac only to have her reach out to stop him.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Christ, he didn't want to get into this with her or anyone else. Harm just wanted to be reinstated and move on. "You were worried, huh? So worried you all failed to visit me at the brig. Hey, I get it, Chegwidden didn't need more heat in the office. I just expected more from you."

"He ordered us not to."

Orders hadn't meant anything to either of them when it was suitable. The two of them bent the orders when necessary and this time it was like she hadn't cared. Harm knew their time on the bench had caused some friction just not this much. "God damnit, Mac. If it were you locked up I'dve been there, damn orders."

Mac stared at him as if he'd grown two heads. God, he didn't know. "I was there. I went.."

"Look Mac, I'm late for an appointment." He interrupted whatever line she was going to feed him. Harm didn't want her excuses, her reasons. The fact was that his best friend did not have his back. He didn't know if he could forgive her or anyone else. "I'll see you when I see you."

"Harm, wait…" Mac felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach as he walked away. A month. She hadn't seen him in a month and her heart broke at his belief that she'd failed him.


	2. Dancing Around The Subject

AN: Sooooo...That No Visitor thing with Harm was harsh and very unbelievable for Mac not to bend the rules and go anyway. I mean, they had each others backs for so long! So, I have chosen to believe that Mac DID go but was not allowed in. In all honesty, it's one aspect of the show that we make too big of a deal over. Let's not forget Harm did hide his "investigation" of Singer from everyone and looked guilty as sin.

I really hated that story line. Singer was fun to hate and it was terrible that she died that way - DPB couldn't just have sent her off to the Aluetians? She was driven, she wanted to be 1st female JAG - she was not the kind of woman to be stupid enough to cause that kind of rucus in her life. So stupid.

Okay so for the doc I envision Alberta Watson (RIP) as Madeline from USA Network La Femme Nikita. She was such an awesome character seemingly motherly and sweet but, devious and deadly, doesn't take BS. Plus, she would torture people without remorse. Dig her up on YouTube.

**Chapter 2 - Dancing Around The Subject**

Harm was drumming his fingers on the arm of the oversized chair he was seated at. He wasn't normally the fidgety type but doctors, all doctors made him nervous. His eyes scanned the room decorated in warm colours with pictures of scenic places on the walls. There was one of the ocean, another of a mountain top probably placed there to evoke relaxation and mild temperament.

For him, they were a source of irritation. He drummed his fingers harder against the arm drawing the attention of Dr. Madeline Riley who raised her head up from the preliminary notes she was making on the tall Naval Commander seated in front of her. "Nervous, Commander?" She smiled slyly and waited for the denile. Why did her patients always deny these things?

"What? Me? No. What makes you think that?" His fingers were moving swiftly, drawing out to a sort of rhythmic staccato. Dr. Riley used the pen in her hand to point at his fingers amused when the Naval Officer stared down at them as if they had a mind of their own. "Oh. Sorry." Although he stopped his fingers from moving his right foot had begun tapping the laminate flooring.

Dr. Riley resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Instead her smile widened, hoping it would pacify the man. "You can relax, Commander. This is a safe place."

"Harm." He said suddenly and flashed a smile of his own; that devastatingly sexy flyboy grin that he used to charm the pants off of women. Not that he was trying to charm the doc, she was at least 15 years older, married - if the wedding ring and pictures of a family were an indication - and he was in a state of relationship limbo.

"Excuse me?" Her smile was replaced with an annoyed glare and for the briefest of moments, she reminded him of Mac. 'That's a nice very nice smile and I'm sure most of the time it gets you what you want. But I don't know you, Commander.' Sometimes his smile would get him into trouble.

He shook his head of the memory and stopped his foot from tapping. "If you're gonna be shrinking my head, I think it's best you call me Harm. It's short for Harmon."

Dr. Riley nodded, to her this was a victory of sorts. "Harm, of course… So, what brings you here and please don't tell me your CO ordered you."

"Get that a lot do you, Doc?"

"Daily. I find military personnel don't like to readily speak about their problems."

"Can't disagree with you." He chuckled and felt himself relax. "It's just as bad being a lawyer." Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all? Talk a little, shoot the shit and head back to work. Easy.

"So? What brings you here?"

Harm slid to the edge of his chair and motioned at the manilla envelope with his personnel photo attached by a paperclip. "What does my file say?"

"I make it a point not to look into the file too much, it prejudices the patient and what we are here to find is your story, your reasons." She shut his file, placed it on the corner and folded her hands on top of the desk. "A file does not make up a person."

"Fair enough… Well…" Harm took a breath and thought back to the last month, hell the last few months of his life. Even after spending time in the brig alone with his thoughts, he still didn't understand it himself. How could he have been so reckless? So stupid? "Over a month ago I was arrested for the murder of a colleague."

"Well, that was to the point." Dr. Riley's eyes squared at him realizing it would be all or nothing for him, no need to coax her patient into telling the truth.

Harm shrugged, "Sometimes it's better to shoot from the hip."

"Since you are no longer in the brig, I suspect you were aquitted."

He nodded slowly, still unable to believe his luck. He could have still been in there, locked up and awaiting sentencing. Harm knew he would get life in prison and all he could think of was his mother and the shame she would feel. "Yes. Wrongly accused."

"Why were you accused in the first place?"

Why indeed? Because he was an idiot? Because Mac was right all the times she'd accused him of running on emotions? Because he looked guilty? "I ah… it's complicated."

"Uncomplicate it." She stared at him without judgement taking in his posture, the way his shoulders slumped. It was clear to her that the Commander was embarrassed.

"The woman wasn't readily liked at the office, made more enemies than friends… She was too ambitious, too unscrupulous on how she conducted herself as an officer in the military."

"You weren't fond of her."

He wasn't and the thought made him so ashamed given what had happened. "That didn't mean I wanted her dead, Doc." Harm snapped. "She wasn't my favorite person in the world, but she didn't deserve to die, not that way."

"Why were you involved?"

Because he was an idiot taking matters into his hands that were, frankly, none of his business. He abhorred anyone who mistreated women and yet, hadn't he done just that? Harm had grabbed Loren forcefully, pulled her to a stop and tried to make her see things his way.

It didn't really matter that he hadn't murdered her, he acted like a jerk and the shame of his actions was eating him up inside. "Another officer was investigating our office although he was mostly seeking revenge for me taking his job years ago. He left his cover right next to mine, when he left, he took mine by mistake and it was found at the scene of the crime. Turns out they had an affair and he killed her over it."

"That doesn't sound like enough for you to be charged."

And it likely wouldn't have been had he not been so stupid. "The murdered officer, she was...well, she was involved with my half brother…" At her questioning glance Harm shrugged and offered, "Romantically… And then she was pregnant."

**Later that day….**

Harm was so tired, so lethargic that, although he was starving, all he wanted was to fall into bed. In his exhaustion, he hadn't noticed Mac's car parked in its usual spot that seemed to be reserved solely for her visits.

Mumbling a slew of curse words, he hauled his body up the stairs damning the stupid elevator that never seemed to work these days. Inexplicably, therapy had made him wired, edgy and so he spent a good three hours at the gym to work off the stress.

He had divulged about Sergie's relationship with Singer and how he treated her because of it. The "investigation" of sorts into the paternity of her child and his irrational want to basically be a single father. It sounded so stupid to him now, so foolish but, his damned emotions told him otherwise.

Harm stepped into his apartment only to find Mac in his kitchen. The lethargy seemed to wash away at the sight of her only to be replaced by a steely anger. "Why are you here?" He hung his uniform up on the coat rack and tossed his keys on the shelf by the door.

Mac had let herself in, having a spare key to his place and not finding Harm there. She'd brought over groceries and had been surprised at how sparse his refrigerator still was. It was so unlike Harm who always had fresh ingredients to cook with.

In the past month she had visited his apartment frequently, picked up his mail and watered the potted herbs on his kitchen windowsill. She had cleaned his apartment, emptied out the fridge and changed his sheets. She wanted things to be normal for him when he got out of the brig. "Making you dinner." Mac looked him up and down frowning when she saw such an exhausted expression. "You look beat."

The smell wafting from the kitchen made his stomach grumble. "Rough day." He stepped to the fridge and took a long pull from a beer he'd popped opened. Harm was surprised to see so much food inside, seeing as it was practically bereft. He was going to buy groceries after the gym, that clearly didn't happen.

The apartment had been cleaned, his plants watered, his sheets changed. He noticed that when he got out of the brig but was too upset to call and thank her.

He propped himself up on a stool and watched as Mac pulled a loaf of garlic bread out of the oven and cut it into slices. "Hungry?" She asked when Harm snatched a small piece which he scarfed down in two bites. "How are you? This morning we..."

"Chegwidden ordered me to see a shrink." He cut her off and took another long drink from his beer. "Not allowed at ops until I'm done."

"Ouch." Mac hated shrinks and had tried to steer far away from therapy. She didn't need anyone reminding her how screwed up she was. Harm had shared similar reservations which was likely why his relationship with Jordan had failed. "How's that going?"

"Today was my first session." He shrugged and began to peel the label off of the beer bottle. "Still not sure what to think." Harm stared at Mac again when she pulled out a freshly baked lasagna from the oven and then retrieved a salad from the refrigerator. For all of his quips about her torrid eating habits, Mac could cook rather well. His mouth began to water. "Either that looks and smells really good or I am starving."

Mac grinned. "Have you had a decent meal since getting sprung?" She placed a loaded plate in front of him and handed over silverware.

"No, I haven't."

Mac sprinkled a healthy amount of parmesan over his lasagna. "Eat up."

They ate in something of a companionable silence although Mac could sense a sort of tension from him. He had acted so out of character outside the hospital, hostile even. It had hurt but, during the day the ache had eased. Harm was likely stressed and maybe suffering from a bit of PTSD. A month in the brig couldn't have been easy. "Are you okay? You were in the brig for…"

Oh God, here we go. Harm knew she would bring it up. "Don't wanna talk about it."

"I do." She leveled him with a glare and her raised eyebrow that said she wouldn't leave it alone.

"Mac."

"Why are you so angry with me?" She knew he was trying to brush her off and wouldn't let him, not this time. "I went to see you so many times but, I wasn't allowed in."

Harm snorted. "Bullshit, you're a senior officer with plenty of clearance."

"SECNAV gave the order." And Chegwidden wasn't about to tell them otherwise as the office had been in hot water since Lindsey's scathing report. "All of us were barred access. From the looks of it, you didn't even get my letters."

Letters? What the hell was she talking about? "What letters?"

"Christ no wonder you hate me right now. I left. at least five letters hoping that they would get to you. I wanted you to know you weren't alone and gave you updates on what I was able to dig up. Damnit, they wouldn't even let any of us defend you. SECNAV had a bug so far up his six… he was convinced you did it."

"Werent you?"

"No! You aren't a murder, Harm!" Carefully, she placed a hand over his and squeezed reassuringly. "What happened with Singer? Were the two of you...involved somehow?" God, the idea of him romantically involved with Loren made her skin crawl.

"What? No, Mac… I… God, no." He cringed at the idea. While the woman was beautiful, "She's not my type." With a mind of its own, Harm's hand turned over and clasped around her own. He took a shaky breath as the feel of her eyes on him made him slightly uncomfortable.

He didn't look her in the eye as he spilled out his truth - how he treated Singer. He'd lost his sense of control, ruled by emotions. Without interruption, he told Mac about Sergie, how the two were dating despite his incessant warnings. And then, the pregnancy and his obsession to find the father. "All I could think of was another fatherless Rabb… I kinda lost it."

Mac looked down at their hands which were still entwined, her thumb gently rubbing circles over the back of his. "I wouldn't have thought less of you. Your brothers life was his own."

"She was so flippant about it, though… Drinking, smoking. I'm not about to tell a woman what to do with her body, that isn't me but, when she mentioned an abortion…What if she was carrying a part of me? Of dad?" He couldn't stop the lone tear that slipped from his eye at the thought of his long lost father. Although he'd put the dead to rest, it still hurt him and always would.

"I'm sorry she got to you." She brushed the tear away with her thumb.

"It was almost like she enjoyed seeing me squirm… She finally found a way to hurt one of us." He wanted to see the good in most people but, Loren was evil in a way. "You always did say my emotions were out of control. I didn't want her dead though, just gone." And causing them less of a headache.

"I know." She slipped her hand out if his and placed it on his back, running soothing circles when Harm yawned suddenly. "When is your next session?"

"Tomorrow." He yawned again finding it was almost impossible to keep his eyes open any longer. "Sorry, I'm beat."

Mac nodded, taking her cue that it was time to go. "I'm gonna head home. Get some rest. We can talk tomorrow if you want." She slid off the stool, grabbed their plates and placed them in the dishwasher.

Harm watched with interest as she put away the leftovers, noting that she seemed so at home at his place. He stood up, rounded the kitchen island and stood just in front of her. "I've been so angry at you for no reason…Sorry Mac."

His arms came around her and he squeezed tightly giving Mac a bear hug that lasted a bit too long. He felt her head drop to his shoulder and they held each other wordlessly for several long minutes.

Mac revealed in the feel of him, the hard planes of his chest, the arms that she felt so safe in. She didn't want him to let her go, not ever. Reluctantly, Mac was the one that pulled away sighing as she looked up at him in one of their famously awkward moments. "I would have been angry too if I thought my best friend abandoned me." She felt his arms fall away, hands skimming down the sides of her body before dropping to his sides.

"Really, sailor… Get some rest. We'll talk soon." Mac meant to kiss his cheek but, it was actually closer to the corner of his mouth. An act that made his breath hitch. "I ah, better go." She went around the kitchen island, moving the opposite way from where he was still standing.

She grabbed her purse and was halfway to the door when he called her name. "Mac?" I'm happy you came by."

"Me too. Goodnight, sailor." Even after showering and falling into bed, Harm couldn't sleep as memories of Sarah MacKenzie's lips on his kept his mind, and body occupied.


	3. A Wound Gets Worse

**Chapter 3 - A Wound Gets Worse**

The hot cup of coffee in his hands felt oddly soothing, it's warmth creeping through his body when Harm took a big gulp and swallowed down the bitter fluid. He'd taken it without cream and sugar, needing it as strong as possible to get through his next therapy session. Barely sleeping the night before had made him beyond exhausted as did the thoughts of what Doctor Riley would conjure up today. He had no doubts that the sessions would get tougher as the Doc unraveled more and more of him and he feared the demons that would come to light.

"You look a little tired, Commander." The doctor said when Harm stood, walked across the office and filled his cup from a small machine she had in a corner both for herself and patients.

Harm turned to her and motioned to the machine. "Would you like me to pour you a cup?"

She smiled at his chivalry noting that this man was a different breed of Military. Few clients, if any, offered such a simple act. "Please. Black is fine for me."

"I normally take it with cream and sugar but, I didn't exactly sleep well last night." He placed the the drink on the corner of the doctor's desk and then slid back into the guest chair. "Is it normal for me to feel so wired after a session?"

"Clients have different reactions to the therapy, Commander. If it becomes habitual, I can write you a prescription."

Harm nodded. "I'll take you up on that if it gets out of hand." He studied the cup in his hand for a moment trying to grasp what exactly he'd been feeling after his first therapy session. "I went to the gym after I left here yesterday. Spent a few hours working off… Hell, I don't know what exactly. Stress?"

"Some people do become agitated. Others are exhausted. Therapy is a process and as I said before, military folk tend to bottle things up more. Have you ever seen a therapist before?"

"Once as SOP for a flying mishap." And it was a time that he tried to forget and yet, it always came back to haunt him. The way his eyes just suddenly failed him would always be a constant source of fear when it came to landing. It didn't matter that he'd landed successfully seventy two times since undergoing surgery to correct his vision. Seventy two times - yes, he was counting - his eyes had honed in on the runway as he glided either his biplane or a jet to a stop without incident. There was always a feeling of uncertainty with landing, a secret he kept hidden to himself that he expected to fail, it was a matter of time. "I'm sorry, Doc. What?" He was so lost in thought that he hadn't heard Dr. Riley's question.

"Did it help?"

Harm shook his head. Talking about the incident hadn't done a thing for him merely spun a type of depression until he found another way to serve his country. "No. Not at all."

Dr. Riley made a note on her legal pad and then folded her hands over it. "Not at all? Why not?"

"I got my RIO killed because I couldn't see due to a retinal scarring I didn't know I had. It made the ship hazy. I couldn't focus… Hell, I couldn't see a damned thing. My wings were stripped and the men I served with saw me as a pariah. Therapy kept rehashing old wounds."

"You managed to get your wings back." She motioned at the ribbons on his chest and wondered how that story unfolded.

"When you save the CAG of an aircraft carrier the Navy tends to be a bit more lenient." He said with a grin. Years later he was still in disbelief that he was even allowed inside the cockpit of a Navy jet. It was bittersweet in a way but, his life had been fulfilled. "But, that was after I went to law school and became a JAG… I did go back to flying for a bit after eye surgery but, my career took a hit. I was an older man chasing a younger man's dream." And he had lost Mac as a result as well. He shook his head from that thought and finished his coffee.

"You seem to live an exciting life commander… No wonder you can't sleep."

Harm chuckled. "Yeah well, it didn't help that when I got home last night, with the intention of a shower and collapsing in bed, my coworker was there making me dinner." Although, it hadn't been a bad thing to have Mac there. They were able to hash out a few things, mainly coming to an understanding that she hadn't abandoned him. Something about that soothed his soul and made him feel like an ass all at once. He shouldn't have assumed, should have known better. A woman who traveled halfway around the world, twice, for him wasn't likely to just standby when he needed her the most.

Dr. Riley caught a certain gleam in his eye followed by a grin as the Commander became lost in some sort of recollection. She'd seen that look before, knew it clearly as amourous in nature. The Commander had someone in his life that he cared for deeply. "Your coworker is a female."

His eyes snapped up to hers, forehead furling as he regarded the doctor for a moment. "It's not what you think, Doc. We're friends. Best friends. We've never been...together." He put emphasis on the last word and raised his brows up so that the Doctor could understand his meaning.

"You want to cross that boundary, don't you?"

Yes. "It's complicated." The word caused his mouth to dry out and his throat felt like sand as he tried to swallow. Their complications had caused them enough trouble, putting her squarely in the sights of one Mic Brumby. It had nearly gotten the both of them killed as a result and still, they continued the dance. "I don't want to talk about her. We're not here for that."

The doctor nodded, not wanting to push her patient that suddenly seemed agitated. Instead, she made a note to circle back on the Commander's coworker another time. Instinctively, she knew the woman would come up again. "Yesterday you mentioned your brother was involved with the victim. Tell me a little bit about that."

"Half brother." Harm corrected, shaking his head as he thought of the man back in Russia who he barely had contact with since his departure. "He lives in Russia."

"Half brother? You used that term a lot yesterday. It's rather specific."

"We have different mothers." He offered as he stood to grab yet another cup of coffee. The caffeine was starting to make him jittery as was the conversation. Each and every time he saw Sergie with Lauren, his skin would crawl. Out of all the women in Washington… "My father flew F4s for the Navy and was shot down. He became a POW and was then transferred to Russia where he met a woman that kept him safe. They were together for a few years and uh they… She had my half brother, Sergie."

Dr. Riley couldn't mask the surprise from her face if she tried. "Russia? How did you discover this?"

How indeed? "Years of researching and dealing with shady characters." And a trip that Mac had invited herself on that nearly cost them their lives. "A lot of the details are classified. The CIA was involved, but it's all confirmed to be true." He remembered standing at the clearing staring out to the mist that covered the mountains before them. The Taiga was a mystical place for some and for Harm, it held nothing but sorrow.

He stood by the window of the Doctor's office and looked out to find that rain had begun to fall. Good, it suited his current mood. "We found the woman that he was with. Her name was Pitchta. She and her brother took dad in, cared for him despite his inability to communicate. She named him Tete." Harm swallowed down the lump in his throat and drew a shaky breath over a memory that he tried to keep buried. "Pitchta told us the story which Mac translated; I don't speak a lick of Russian, she is fluent." He didn't want her to follow and I later realized how much he needed her there.

"Your father, is he still alive?"

Harm shook his head. "No. Soldiers tried to rape Pitchta, my father saved her only to be shot and killed… Pitchta's brother buried him and the soldiers out in the mountains but, she never knew where exactly. My father is still out there in an unmarked grave that I can never visit." He felt the tears streaming down his cheeks, falling unchecked. Angrily, Harm brushed them away and angled his body so that the doctor could not see him cry. "I'm sorry, I was over it… I thought I was." He heaved a heavy sigh and took a moment or two to compose himself and carefully he returned back to his seat with another cup of coffee in his hand.

The Doctor slid a box of tissues his way and gave him an understanding smile when his eyes met hers. "It's alright to cry, Commander. You're safe here." She smiled at him reassuringly when Harm leaned forward and took a few tissues to clean his nose. "Did you ever see anyone about that experience?"

"A shrink?" When she nodded, he shook his head. "No. I talked to Mac about it but, then she was there, she understood what I was going through."

Aha, Dr. Riley thought and managed to conceal her knowing smirk. Mac was clearly the coworker he was reluctant to speak about. "I take it Mac is rather special to you?"

Special? That was one way to describe the single most important person in his life. "We've been working together for seven years. Been partners, adversaries…"

"And she went with you to Russia."

Harm rolled his eyes at the implicating tone the doctor used. "She wanted to make sure I didn't get into trouble and nearly got killed as a result because she followed my stupid ideas. Suggested a few of her own if I recall." Like him stealing and flying a MIG. Mac hadn't stopped him, in fact, it had been her plan to steal the plane. "Look Doc, I really don't want to talk about Mac. She had nothing to do with me getting arrested."

The doctor nodded in understanding knowing the woman would likely be recalled at another time. "So back to your half brother. Pitchta, how did it feel when she told you about your brother…"

"No." He interrupted, bringing one hand up to stop the doctors thought processes. "I didn't know about Sergie for two years. A JAG assignment took me back to Russia, I found out then I had a half-brother."

"Again, I'll ask, why do you call him that? Half brother?."

Harm furled his brow and shrugged. What else would one call a sibling that wasn't shared by both parents? "Because it's what he is? We don't have the same mother." Only he didn't notice the inflection of his voice or the fact that his eyes had grown darker and expressive hiding the pain he hadn't wanted to quantify.

"And that bothers you."

"No!" Harm practically yelled out and his hand squeezed the now empty cup of coffee, crumbling the styrofoam. He looked at the remnants in his hand, frowning at his outburst which was relatively uncharacteristic. He took a breath and then another. It did matter to him, a lot. "It does bother me and I am afraid it always will."

"Why does having a brother make you feel that way? Certainly, you'd be happy to have some piece of your father in your life?"

Harm pulled his wallet out of his breast pocket and carefully produced the worn, laminated picture of a little boy sitting in the cockpit of a jet with a man that looked much like him. He presented the picture to Doctor Riley. "I was five when we took this...My dad meant everything in the world to me, everything. I wanted to be like him. Hell, I wanted to be him.… and… and." He took the picture from the doctor and stared at it, although every grain had been singed into his memory. "He betrayed her, my mother, the supposed love of his life. He betrayed her with someone else."

Dr. Riley stood then and made her way around the desk, settling into the chair right next to the Commander. "He was MIA, likely never to go home again. Isn't that a bit judgemental?"

"Judgemental?" He snorted and rolled his eyes. The crux of the matter weighed heavily on him as if it were his cross to bear. "It would be judgemental if it was his first time but, it wasn't."

"He cheated on your mother?"

He gritted his teeth and stood unable to stop himself from pacing the office. Harm tried to bite down the anger he felt, to put a clamp on his swirling emotions but, it as impossible. "Christmas eve, 1969 there was a USO troupe on board the Hornet while it was on deployment. They were sent to entertain the men, improve morale. Dad met a singer, Jenny Lake."

"I know of her, have a few of her albums. Very talented."

Harm had always enjoyed the records until the night at the Wall when a mysterious woman told him about his father. He hadn't been able to listen to her music since. "Her husband had died days before, shot down. She was vulnerable and they…" At first, he couldn't believe the story that Jenny had spun him but, the look in her eyes told him the words that she couldn't. "He missed mom. Jenny missed her husband… they were both vulnerable, I guess."

"How do you know this happened?"

"Because I met Jenny Lake. I visit the Vietnam wall every Christmas eve. She was there a few years ago, told me the story…Left out the gory details." He said with a snort and continued to wear a hole in the office carpet. "It was clear they..that he...we're intimate." He took a breath and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I love my father, but I can't forgive him for that.. I can't forgive him for being unfaithful to my mother…Twice." He understood the relationship with Pitchta, quantified it to being held for an immeasurable time in a war torn country but, Jenny Lake was a tough pill to swallow.

"Why do you resent your brother?" The doctor asked suddenly, voicing a truth that Harm hadn't wanted to admit to himself. When he turned and faced her, Dr. Riley knew she had gotten to the bottom of another emotion the Commander was hiding away.

"Sergie got to spend more time with him…I had five years… Five years, most of which he was on deployment for. He was on a fucking ship rather that with me and mom." And that had been the reason why Harm couldn't settle down with anyone. He lived for the deployments and the hours spent in a cockpit - that wasn't a place for a husband or family man to be. In a way, he envied people like Luke Pendry that seemed to make it work until it didn't.

"He sent her letter tapes that I used to listen to for hours and hours. Dad would talk about his day on the ship and profess his love for us... And then he cheats on her. I couldn't do that to someone I love." He wasn't that kind of man although he once had a girl in practically every port. There was no commitment between him and anyone else, even Diane. "I love my father, I do but…"

"But?"

"Sometimes I wonder what would happen if he came back? If he really loved us at all." It was something he hadn't wondered until that talk with Jenny Lake and the subsequent knowledge that he had a little brother. Clearly, Harm Sr. would no longer have a place in Trish's life - she was madly in love with Frank and Harm suspected she loved the man as much as she did his father.

"I don't want to hate Sergie, I don't… None of that was his fault but.." He hated feeling like this over the younger man whose only crime was being born. "Yes, I resent him. I resent him for spending time with dad. I resent him for not trying to stay in America even though I tried so hard to keep him here... If he didn't come into my life I wouldn't have wound up in the brig."

"Last session you said the victim and your brother were involved romantically and then she was pregnant, but the baby was not his. This bothered you?"

Bothered? No, it was the lie of omission that Singer enjoyed torturing him with. "I was in the brig because I believed another fatherless Rabb would come into the World. I wanted to prevent that. I had to. Lauren wasn't fit to be a mother, especially not to a kid that had my dad's blood in their veins." So, he'd gone off the deep end to the point that Harm nearly lost himself in the process of investigation. God, he really did look guilty as sin. "Mac always warns me that I run on emotions that get me into trouble and she's right." Mac had pegged him from the start.

Dr. Riley stood when the timer went off and rounded the desk to shut off the tiny clock. "Let's end here."

After the session it took awhile for Harm to pull his Corvette out of the parking lot. He simply sat behind the wheel, staring at the hospital building and trying to sort the warring thoughts in his head. He wanted so much to be just like Harmon Rabb Senior and the truth was, he didn't, not anymore. Without much thought, he put his vehicle into gear. Seemingly out of its own volition, it traveled down the road towards Georgetown.


	4. Break Their Bounds

**Chapter 4 - Break Their Bounds**

"I'd never cheat on you."

Mac had been in her room, seated on the small chair in front of her vanity and in the midst of her daily skin regimen when a pounding on her door startled her. She cinched her robe tighter, concealing the fact that she wore very little underneath as she crossed into her living room. Through the peephole she spotted Harm still dressed in uniform and looking somewhat nervous if not jittery. When she pulled the door open the last thing she expected was for him to barge in blurting out something about cheating on her. "I'm sorry, what?"

He plopped onto the chair by her sofa, the usual spot he sat in and repeated his words, practically punctuating them. "I'd never cheat on you."

The whole thing was rather bizarre, the man hadn't ventured into anything personal in several months leading her to believe they were through, beyond through. Except, last night Mac had seen something in him that kickstarted her heart in regards to him. And now he was adding to her confusion. "Uh, thanks?" She folded her arms across her chest and merely watched him.

Harm's leg was bobbing up and down and he kept scrubbing a hand over his face nervously. "If you and I ever figure this out, I swear to God, I'd never cheat on you."

"Harm, what's going on?" He was starting to scare her.

"There are some things about my father I never told you about." He said in a rush and then took a breath or two hoping to concentrate. Harm stood up and placed his hands on her mantle - his hands needed something to grip. It didn't prevent the emotions from bubbling to the surface or the ache behind his eyes.

Mac saw his shoulders slump and that raw strength that he seemed to always exude was nowhere to be found. It was concerning and for a long moment she wondered if he'd unraveled another mystery that he wasn't prepared for. "What is it?" She pressed a hand to his back and felt him tense.

"It's embarrassing... especially considering you nearly died helping me find him. And, and... I'm sorry." He turned to her then and Mac saw them, the tears that were running down his cheeks. "I could never do that to you."

"Oh, Harm." Mac pulled him into her arms, holding on as tightly as possible when he tried to pull away. "It's alright, whatever it is. Let me help you." She felt his head come to her shoulder and his tears that wet her robe as he cried.

Mac had only seen him this way once, years ago when they discovered that his father was killed. She ran her fingers up and down his back, trying to soothe whatever was troubling him. It took several minutes until he settled down.

They sat side by side on her sofa, sipping a calming tea she had brewed. Mac listened patiently as Harm recounted his father's infidelity with Jenny Lake. "I wanted to come to you that night. I needed a friend." A shoulder to cry on while some of the truths that he believed about his father vanished.

"Why didn't you?"

"I didn't want you to think less of him. Or think of me that way." He couldn't look her in the eye instead stared at the empty teacup in his hands. "I know the kind of reputation I have when it comes to women."

She knew but, given how good looking he was Mac couldn't blame him. Women flocked to him like moths to a flame. But, as far as she knew, Harm wasn't the cheating type. Had he been...No, she wasn't going down that rabbit hole. "I know who you are."

"Do you? I was every bit the asshole, womanizing jet jock at one point." Which was partially the reason why he and Diane just never worked out. When he was ready to settle, it was too late. He rolled the empty tea cup in his large hands almost mesmerized on how it moved between his fingers.

"Harm, in regards to your dad, could you have misunderstood?" Mac took the cup from him and placed it on the tray set on her coffee table. "Maybe it was just a kiss? A hug? Comfort between two people that missed the ones they loved." She tried to rationalize although something told her his belief was validated.

"Like that kiss we shared on the admiral's porch that night?" His voice was low and almost seductive. When his eyes met hers Harm saw Mac's eyes widen. She swallowed hard and shifted slightly, the scrutiny of his eyes making her uncomfortable. "That wasn't merely a kiss between two friends."

Harm's eyes dropped to her lips and for a brief moment he wondered if she tasted the same - sweet like one of the most intoxicating of wines.

"It wasn't for comfort, Mac… You kissed me and I couldn't pull away from you...I kissed you like a lover would, not a friend." No, what began as a goodbye became an ardent action of desire.

Lover. Mac's breath caught at his words and her breathing became shallow. For the rest of her life the memory if that kiss would haunt her. Even now she could feel his lips on hers and the hands that pulled her to him possessively.

She was helpless to stop him. "I let you... I sometimes wonder how far it would have gone if we hadn't stopped." She still wasn't sure who pulled away first or how her shaky legs hadn't given put on her. That night she would have run off with him had Harm commanded her to do so. But, he didn't. He let her go.

Mac felt her own tears stinging behind her eyes until one slid over her cheek. She brushed it away before Harm did. "I shouldn't have liked it as much as I did."

"I shouldn't have either." His eyes seemed so sad, so torn. "I guess I got a little desperate. I'm sorry."

The heat of his gaze made her turn away from him briefly. "Don't apologize, I could have pushed you away and didn't." Why were they discussing this now? Hadn't that part of their relationship been put to rest? When she turned back to him, Mac noticed a few fine details. The pallor of his skin, the darkening under his eyes which shone of clear exhaustion. "Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days."

Harm leaned his head back into her sofa and closed his eyes. "Because I haven't." He admitted on a sigh. "I barely slept in the brig and now this. Therapy is taking a lot out of me."

"Is it helping?" She frowned at his appearance deciding that spilling her guts to a total stranger was most definitely not for her.

"Honestly? I don't know. It's brought up things I didn't know were bothering me."

"Like?"

He straightened up and turned to face Mac. His look of exhaustion replaced by one of anguish and shame. "I resent my brother."

Mac's brow raised and a half smile spread across her lips. "I kinda figured that out."

"Did you? How?"

She thought for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain what she saw. Harm made it a habit of obsessing about people until they were accessible and then he'd push them away. "You were good to him but, sometimes you seemed irritated that he was around."

"I was irritated that he didn't listen. I'm the older brother...I wanted what was best for him." Only Sergie hadn't exactly thought much of his tactics.

"Brother yes, father no. You treated him like a child, Harm. I know you didn't want him involved with Loren but, he would have figured it out." She placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "Have you even called him lately?"

"Yes… Well, no.." In fact, it had been several months since he'd last spoken to Sergie. He just didn't know what to say. "Does that make me a bad guy?"

"No, it makes you human… Call your brother, Harm and say hi from me."

Harm nodded. "I will." His hand covered the one she still had on his shoulder and held on. "I have to get going. It's getting late."

Mac consulted her internal clock to find that it was half past ten. Something made her want to ask him to stay but, Harm had stood and was already halfway to her door. "Try to get some sleep."

"I will." Harm stood in the hallway, thumbing the cover in his hand. He couldn't quite get himself to leave and they stood in front of each other awkwardly. "Mac." He said her name almost in a whisper. His eyes had taken interest in her mouth, the way her lips parted and tongue darted out to moisten them.

"Harm?" He was staring at her with bedroom eyes and Mac could feel her knees grow weak. And then, he kissed her. It wasn't passionate or desperate. It wasn't wild or possessive. It was simple and sweet. Tender and loving.

When they broke apart, her drowsy eyes met his and that flyboy grin spread across his lips. "Night, Mac. Sleep tight."

When he walked away, Mac stepped into her apartment and leaned against the closed door. Involuntarily, her fingers pressed against her lips that were tingling from Harm's kiss. Tonight she'd be the one not sleeping. "Goodnight, Harm."


	5. Dusty Words

Chapter 5 - Dusty Words

"How are you today, Commander?" Doctor Riley noticed a change in her patient that day, although it was clear by the dark circles under his eyes that Harm wasn't sleeping well, he seemed much more relaxed, happy even.

The Commander was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, thoughts drifting someplace else or rather, to someone else. He hadn't heard the doctor's question because his mind was still hyper focused on Mac and mainly her lips. She tasted sweet like honey and something uniquely Sarah MacKenzie. Although the kiss was rather chaste in nature, it had fueled another sleepless night. The little bits and pieces when he had slept were filled with dreams of them… together.

He was curiously wondering what it would feel like to lose control and give into the desire he'd clamped down on for years. And it wasn't just a desire, it was profound and the thought of his feelings for her being that intense scared him a little. Why couldn't things just be easy between them for once? Just when he thought they were making headway after the JAG-A-Thon, their World quaked and shifted. For a time it seemed like Chegwidden was vehement on keeping them apart, having Mac serve on the bench for weeks at a time while he was sent TAD after TAD.

They had become estranged somewhat only he hadn't noticed it until now. Why hadn't he seen it then? Harm frowned at the thought and sighed. Damnit did they like to complicate things. "Commander?"

A firm use of his rank made him remember where he was and more importantly, why he was there. The spacing out would likely lose him a point or two as did the confused expression he offered Dr. Riley as his mind brought him back to the present. "I ah… sorry Doc. I don't normally space out like that...I ah, heh. I guess it's just the lack of sleep."

The doctor made a note in his opened file and nodded. "You seem more relaxed today despite the sleep deprivation."

"Some things seem to be looking up." He admitted with a grin.

"Let me guess, a girl?"

Harm's grin became his full wattage flyboy smile. "Something like that… I hope… We're a bit complicated." He offered by way of explanation but the smile was still in place.

"Let's see." Dr. Riley took a quick glance at the previous notes and tried to get him back on track. "Do you believe you run on emotions?"

"Mac does."

Dr. Riley smiled when his eyes lit up just mentioning his partner. Ah. She thought, so that's the girl. "Do you believe that?"

Harm took a sip of his coffee, swallowing slowly as he thought about her question. Emotions had no place in a pilot or lawyer's life - it would only serve to get him killed or destroy his case. Although there had been times when things got a bit personal, his innate need to protect Darlynn and even Roscoe Martin. And there was Russia when clues had fueled an adrenaline he'd never experienced before. "Don't we all run on them from time to time?"

"But, we're here to talk about you, Commander. Do you believe you run on emotions?"

_Yes_. Because a rational person wouldn't have almost gotten the woman he loved killed because of his fixations. "At times, I guess."

"Give me an example."

"Russia." The word slipped out without him wanting to. It was always a source of resentment, anger and hurt. Memories that he could never escape from lived there as did the pain that he failed his father.

'Y_ou're being driven by emotions and those emotions are gonna get us killed.'_Mac's words would haunt him for many nights after their fruitless return to the States so many years go.

She had been right, of course. He'd been a live wire risking his life and hers to find the truth about his father. What shamed him was knowing he would have left Mac behind, alone, if she hadn't wanted to continue his quest. Such was his obsession that risking it all did not matter only finding the truth.

"I think I told you that my partner was with me when I found out the truth about my father?" At the doctor's nod, Harm continued. "My CO thought it vest that I had back up, just in case so Mac barged in on my trip and was nearly killed because of me." He thought back to their MIG and the missiles that they barely managed to evade until they had to eject. "I was obsessed by this need to find my dad that I failed to remember it wasn't her father. She had no need to be there except to support a friend. It was my self imposed assignment that I'd been emotionally invested in since I was a kid. And I failed him… I nearly failed her too."

Dr. Riley stared at her client noting a fresh wave of tears that fell from the Commander's eyes. He didn't brush them away simply looked down as of the answers were in his cup of coffee. "You didn't fail your father, Commander. None of that was your fault."

And suddenly, he was five year old Little Harm, watching a government car drive up to their home and the two men that made his mommy cry. He would be the man of the house now and once he was old enough, he would find his dad. "When I was sixteen, I ran away from home. Stole money from my step dad who is quite wealthy and went off, on my own, to Vietnam."

"You went to search for your father?"

"Yes." And found more than what he bargained for. "I hooked up with a man named Striker that claimed to know where to find POWs. I got my first taste of blood and war." And it was nothing like playing cops and robbers with friends at school. It was visceral. terrifying and robbed Harm of his innocence. Striker used him and Harm was too young and stupid to know better. "I wasn't playing soldier anymore. It was real life with real consequences."

Dr. Riley could only stare at Harm, riveted by a story that sounded like something out of a movie. It occurred to her how deeply rooted some of his emotional uncertainty ran. "You didn't find your father."

"No. But, Striker kept lying to me, pushing me to help him continue the search. Turns out he was scamming military families and I was his pawn."

"Your emotions were manipulated. That isn't your fault, Commander. You were a kid who missed his father."

His emotions had played a role, a major one I keeping him with Striker despite not finding his father. It was also the hope that something was missed, that the next investigation in Laos would hold some kind of clue. Then, he met Jym and young love would flourish. "Ah...there was a girl, a local that I, we." He stammered and then stood, walking to a wastebasket in the corner where he dropped the empty cup of coffee. "I lost my innocence then."

"Your first love?"

Harm shrugged. "However in love a sixteen year old kid could be. She followed us, followed me because I foolishly believed I was invincible, that I could keep her safe. Loatian patrol killed Jym and her mother right in front of me. There wasn't a thing I could do about it. Striker got me out."

"Her death was not your fault, Commander." She said sternly, "It wasn't something you could control."

_Control_. The word made him turn then to the doctor. "No, I couldn't." And it was then that he took a tighter rein in his life, living from one controllable situation to another. It was an illusion he created.

"Control is important to you."

"I'm a fighter pilot. You lose control in that world and you die. As a lawyer, you lose control and destroy lives." It was an affirmation, a belief that he had lived on. The only person to ever shake that veiled semblance of control was Mac.

"Is that why you feel guilty about your murdered coworker? Her death was out of your control?"

Harm glared at the doctor, brows furled in confusion. Singer's death came out of left field an act that could have only been prevented by her and her alone. "I don't feel guilty." He came back to his seat and settled in with a huff. "Her death had nothing to do with me."

"Then why were you in the brig?" She asked pointedly and when Harm hesitated, Dr. Riley continued to probe. "NCIS found your cover at the scene but, there's more isn't there?"

There was because he'd lost control and even acted guilty. "I was investigating her. Even got a coworker to help when the Lieutenant refused to tell me the paternity of her child."

"And you feel guilty over that?"

"I feel guilty that I was never a friend to her." He shook his head and thought back to every dirty little trick the woman had tried including the way she'd gone after Harriet on the stand in the most unethical way possible. "She made it too damn difficult. I swear it, she loved to see us squirm. Keeping the child's father a secret, it was like a game, a way to see me break."

"You had no control over it." Dr. Riley said and noted how a sort of veil seemed to lift from the Commander.

'_You don't need that lifeline anymore, let it go before it becomes a noose.' _He recalled Mac's words during her engagement party and a discussion about the same subject was afoot. It made him suddenly begin to breathe heavily. "Mac was right. I do run on emotions."

"Did Mac know you were investigating?" She wondered just how tightly he held onto his precious control and if the Commander even realized how easily it could slip.

"No."

"Why? She seems to be very important to you."

Harm frowned. He should have told her back on the Seahawk when the two of them had initially investigated the pregnancy. They were in a good place then, closer than ever to a point that he believed they would soon figure things out. "I was embarrassed. The Lieutenant was always a thorn in our side, specifically she liked to see Mac suffer and even planted information once to damage a case… I couldn't prove it but I knew what she had done… It embarrassed me to know that woman was possibly carrying my brothers child."

"Were you afraid Mac would treat you differently?"

"I don't know what she would have done. More than likely chewed my six out for being an idiot."

"As your friend wouldn't she have been supportive?"

Would she? Harm wasn't sure. "She would have tried to get me to stop obsessing more than likely… Mac's rational that way me, I can run on emotions and…" He trailed off grinning at the final sense of awareness that he felt, the breakthrough. "I said that outloud didn't I?"

"Fraid so, Commander." Dr. Riley returned the grin.

After therapy, Harm found himself driving towards Blacksburg as the need to fly Sarah burned deep in his veins. It would offer his own brand of therapy and a way to make sense of a life he thought was under control.

He missed a call from Mac while he was flying and his attempts to return her call was met with a busy signal. He considered driving to her apartment despite the late hour he would arrive in Washington until another call came through. Chegwidden was ordering him back to work ASAP.

Harm smiled at the news. He would see Mac in the morning.


	6. Don't Turn Now

**Chapter 6 - Don't Turn Now.**

"How's therapy, Commander?" AJ Chegwidden asked, staring at the tall Naval officer standing at attention in front of his desk. Harm's eyes were locked onto a spot behind his CO's head and he stood perfectly straight, unwavering despite a reserved kind of anger that coursed through his veins. AJ had always been something of a father figure but, after Singer's death, the man had abandoned him and ordered others to do the same.

In theory, it was all for the best, a way to lessen Commander Ted Lindsey's smear campaign against JAG if one of it's more maligned officers was treated without favoritism but, it still stung. "Swell, sir." Inwardly, he winced when he was unable to keep that sarcastic tone out of his words and Chegwidden's head came up from the paperwork he was signing.

Ah, there was that icy glare, the one that secretly made him nervous. He could see it out of his peripheral vision and waited for the dressing down he surely deserved. "Just swell, Commander?"

"Yes, sir."

The iciness seemed to give way to something else. Concern? Care? Harm wasn't sure, but was surprised when AJ stood, came around his desk and settled into one of the guest chairs. "At ease, Harm, take a seat." Oh, it was _Harm_ now, was it? A sure sign that a heart to heart conversation was afoot. "I want to apologize for what happened during the trial. I'm sure you believe I hung you out to dry."

"Didn't you, sir?" There was the sarcastic tone again. Honestly, Harm just couldn't help himself. "I didn't kill her. You had to know that and still you had the whole staff barred from visiting, writing, calling. How could you do that to me?"

Chegwidden sighed. On any other occasion he would have used his command presence to stow the barrage he just received only he _knew_ Harm was right. "A commanding officer in the Navy is often a terrible thing. We have too many choices to make, some right, some wrong. You'll learn that someday when you have your own command."

"Respectfully, sir… I wouldn't hang my people out to dry. Especially those that have put their lives on the line for you."

"It's not so black and white, Harm. I wish it were but, there were many things at stake that you weren't aware of. Unfortunately, I had to make you the scapegoat or risk the SECNAV destroying this office."

Harm scoffed at his words. "Bullshit, sir!"

"Maybe if you hadn't looked so guilty, Commander." AJ's tone was the picture of calm, blowing the wind out of Harm's sails completely. "Manneti told me you were investigating Singer, it really didn't look good for you. I'm curious - why was a woman, so disliked by you and your peers suddenly a cause for one of your obsessions?" He studied his officer for a moment, noting the way that Harm's jaw clenched and relaxed. He saw the dark circles under his eyes as well, clearly from sleepless nights. "Were you involved?"

Not that Loren was a bad looking woman, quite the contrary, out of uniform she was stunning, sexy even. If only her personality was as pretty and polished. Time and time again he wondered what his brother saw in the woman, if she even softed at all, if she had a heart. From the way she'd callusedly spoke about aborting her child, it was clear that Loren's ambitions had clouded her judgement. It was both heartbreaking and pathetic. He hoped she found peace in the afterlife. "It's personal, sir."

"So you were romantically involved?" Chegwidden pried further, trying to gauge what exactly he'd missed in the last few months. He'd figured that eventually Rabb would get his head out of his ass and begin the inevitable courtship with MacKenzie. The two were made for each other, it was evident in their shared looks, the soft touches, the way they protected each other. Where did Loren matter in all of this?

"No, sir. It's personal." Harm cringed at how badly that sounded, the guilt that still lingered underneath. No, he hadn't murdered Singer but, he played a role just as well. Rather than being a good coworker, and understanding friend he'd been a jerk - seeking answers that really weren't his to seek. Alienating those he cared about because he'd been too hurt and embarrassed by his actions and that of his brother. She had played him as well, forced him into losing his ever precious control because he'd served himself up on a platter.

And Mac. Oh, Mac. What hurt the most was keeping her away - his best friend, his confidante which knew everything about him and more. He'll never forget the hurt in her eyes, the confusion when he saw her days ago leaving Bethesda. She would have been there for him, rationalized things but, he kept her away. "The Lieutenant was romantically involved with my brother, sir… I thought… I thought the child was his. The Lieutnant sought to have an abortion, I coulfn't stand for that."

"Oh." And like that it all made sense to Chegwidden, the pieces sinking in without any rigid edges. "You could have told me, Harm. I would have understood, kept you out of the brig as well. Did Mac know?"

Harm shook his head. "No one did, sir. I apologize, Admiral...I sometimes, I guess I still have my obsessions…I'm sorry for disappointing you, sir and putting this office and my coworkers at risk. It wasn't my intention. When she hid the paternity, I thought she was trying to screw with me, to hold some sick control over me." He admitted, angrily.

"I thank you for your candor, Commander. Let's try to right the ship, shall we?" With that, Chegwidden reached across his desk snatching a rather thick manilla folder which he handed to Harm. "The Colonel and Lieutenant Roberts have been apprised of this situation." He motioned at the folder and sighed. "We recently were made aware that Commander Imes was not a lawyer."

Harm flipped through the folder finding one of the very first cases he prosecuted against the woman. Carolyn had always been nice, if not a little flirty with him. She had her distinguished moments in court but, he could never see her handling the high profile cases, it just wasn't her niche. In truth, part of him couldn't really forget how she'd nearly botched his murder investigation years ago and how Mac had come to his rescue. She'd practically treated him as if he were guilty and then downplayed Mac's legal prowess. "What do you mean, not a lawyer?"

"She never passed the bar." Chegwidden couldn't keep the gruff tone out of his voice, the new blow his office would take because of one his own made a stupid mistake. "The Navy has decided to review all of her cases, maybe even overturn some of the verdicts."

"This is a murder trial, sir." He pulled out a specific docket, one that he and Mac had prosecuted against Matonni and Imes' defense. It was late evidence that Mac found which had ended in a murder conviction to which the defendant was on death row for. A henious crime of rape and murder that had gotten under his skin a little too much. A Master Chief that had kidnapped his son's girlfriend, raped her for days finally tossing her body into a ravine in Northern Virginia. Christ if that man was let go, Harm was sure he'd do it again and again and again until caught, the defendant had that kind of malevolence about him.

He remembered the investigation too well, specifically the way the Chief leered at Mac, the snide, sexual comments to the point that Harm had the man pinned to the far wall of the interrogation room with Mac trying to stop him. "This bastard raped and murdered a woman in her early twenties… He's a monster."

Chegwidden nodded. "Which is why we need to review all of the cases and make sure nothing gets overturned. How many therapy sessions do you have left?"

"A few, sir. I should be cleared for full duty in a week." He hoped.

"Consider this a temporary assignment, then You can work here or from your home if you choose until you're back to full duty. Dismissed."

"Aye, sir."

When Harm stepped out of the Admiral's office, instinctively his eyes locked on her. Mac was the first person he sought when sauntering into the building only to find that she had been called away early that morning for an interview. He felt a kind of longing when her Corvette wasn't in her usual spot next to his. Harm stopped to look at her, knowing there would never be another woman on Earth that looked that good in Marine greens. The uniform was perfectly tailored to her body, hugging her shapely waist...her breas..

And who the hell was she talking to? He wondered when his brain registered the tall Naval Commander engaging in conversation. Mac was standing just outside her office door, laughing heartily with a man Harm was very unfamiliar with. At first he thought the officer was a client but, when she pressed a hand to his forearm and squeezed, a fiery jealousy breathed to life.

The man was tall just an inch shorter than he with dark blond hair and a leaner frame than his own. He was laughing with Mac and the air of familiarity felt like a punch in the gut - too reminiscent of her with Brumby. Watching them, he maneuvered through the bullpen to Bud who was busy fiddling with the fax machine. "Hey Bud, who's that talking to the Colonel?"

"Who?" The Lieutenant punched a few buttons, aloof in his usual way that often tried Harm's patience. He glanced in the direction Harm was looking and smiled brightly. "Oh, Commander Knox."

When Bud offered no more information, Harm heaved an annoyed sigh. "Client of hers?"

"No, sir. Friend. Went to law school together but, the Commander chose to stay as a submariner."

A bubblehead? _Good_, he thought, noting that the man would be gone for months at a time and out of her life. "Did the Colonel say why the Commander was here?"

Bud glanced back towards Mac and shook his head. "No, sir."

Exasperated, Harm walked around the junior officer. "Thanks for nothing, Bud."

"Anytime, sir." Came his cheery reply that had Harm rolling his eyes. Bud was truly a good guy, excellent lawyer but could often space out.

Harm made a beeline towards Mac, unable to hide the wide grin when her eyes met his. Those beautiful eyes came alive, conveying her happiness that he'd returned in the subtlest of ways. "Good morning, Colonel." He smiled in earnest and his eyes went right to her lips noting the red lipstick that called to him. That sweet, soft kiss from two days ago was racking his mind, daring Harm to push for more.

He would have gone to her after his last therapy session had Mac been in town, demanded to make sense of his feelings for her and hers for him. They were still on unsteady ground and it was all his fault for being so foolish, for not trusting Mac would have his back. God, if Lindsey's cover was never found he could still be locked up, his life slipping away as Mac moved on.

"Morning, Harm. The Admiral said he would call you in." Harm would never know that she resisted the urge to throw herself at him, hold him as if her life depended on it. It was too good to have him back in the office after nearly a month and a half of seeing his office dark and desolate.

"Temporary only. I won't be cleared for another week."

"All the same. You were missed." I missed you. She held his gaze, felt the heat of it that made Mac's heartbeat quicken. It was impossible to miss how his eyes came to her lips, staring as if Harm would kiss her then and there.

The quick, somewhat chaste kiss from two days prior still made her lips tingle. It was a little exhilarating and definately an activity she longed for in a more private setting. Hell other parts of her were tingling as well.

The sound of Commander Knox clearing his throat that brought her back to the present. "I'm sorry. Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr this is Commander Jackson Knox." Mac stammered through the introduction, barely able to prevent the blush that crept into her cheeks. Damn him.

Knox stuck out his hand, smiling wide when Harm took it. "Jake."

"Harm." He held on a bit tighter, squeezing for reasons he couldn't quite comprehend until the man pulled away with a wince. "Submariner, huh? The Colonel and I were stuck under the Artic for two weeks on the Watertown."

Konx grinned knowingly. "Oooh, lots of Lots of slouching for you, I bet...How did Sarah handle herself with all the undersexed bubbleheads?"

_Sarah? Motherfuc… _"Well, the crew needed protection from her. Mac threatened to feed their asses to the crabs." Mac rolled her eyes at the memory. It had been so utterly humiliating to find the men baiting her that way.

"_Mac_, huh?" Knox turned to her grinning appreciatively. "I've only ever known her as Sarah."

His words were like a shot across the bow, a blow Harm hadn't anticipated since Brumby's departure. They had spent so much time together over the course of the last year and a half that he figured there were no other suitors on Mac's radar.

It took one month in the brig to drop the bubblehead into the mix. "So, how long have you known _Sarah_?" Harm wasn't able to veil the jealousy any longer, her given name slipped out of his mouth as if it were commonplace.

Glancing between the two men reminded Mac of Brumby's inception at JAG and the ongoing stick measuring that lead to absolutely nothing. It was just as irritating now as it was then only more so given the fact that she's been single and waiting for so long. "Jake's a friend, we went to law school together… He was in town and decided to catch up at lunch."

Knox's grin widened as he sized the other man, noting the rather thick folder Harm was holding, a clear indication that the officer would be too busy to join. "You still stay current? Or are the wings a product of the past?"

"Oh, I still fly F14s… Even took Sarah up with me a few times." Harm rocked on his heels happily and puffed his chest out so that his whites stretched more across his pecs. He was clearly peacocking, and he really didn't care.

"Have you really?" Knox turned to Mac with an appraising expression and a look of awe. "And you didn't get sick?"

"Oh, yes I did. I was sick for days the first time. Can't say I would enjoy life on a submarine, but I will take it over an F-14 any day."

The comment was another blow to Harm, scoring the other man a point. It deflated his ego and that bit of insecurity that wavered when he was around her fluttered to the surface. "So, Chegwidden give me the details on Commander Imes, I was wondering if you want to join me for lunch and go over Master Chief Troy's case." He raised the folder in his hand.

"I have plans with Jake. But, you're welcome to join."

Knox gave her a pointed glare, his indication he was not happy to have Harm tag along. He shifted his weight a few times finally smiling at the other officer. "Sure, Harm. Join us."

"I think I might. Let me toss this in the office and grab my wallet."

Only he barely made it past the threshold when Chegwidden's voice bellowed across the bullpen. "Rabb, my office in ten."

Harm visibly cringed at the order, his shoulders slumping in defeat when he turned back to Mac. Somehow he managed to plaster a smile. "Raincheck?"

"I guess so." If he didn't know any better, Harm could see the disappointment in her eyes. "I'll uh, see you later, Commander." This was not the return he was hoping for...

….Harm opted to work out of the office for the remainder of the day, able to get ahead of the cases without any distractions. It was easier to keep his mind on the files, away from Mac and the Submariner who was clearly interested in her.

He barely saw her the whole day, court keeping Mac occupied until the late afternoon when a knock on his door signaled she'd returned. "Hey. How long are you planning on staying?"

"I have therapy early tomorrow morning, and then the Admiral is sending me to Norfolk. I need to work on these while I can." Harm tapped his pen against the pile of files on his desk that seem to grow over the course of the day. "I kinda feel like this is penance for something."

Mac chuckled at his impish grin and then heaved a soft sigh. "So I guess dinner tonight is out of the question?"

"Dinner?" He stared at her expectantly, his body tingling with anticipation and what could happen after dinner with her - another kiss that could turn into something more. Unfortunately, Harm was duty bound to the assignment and overcompensating as he usually did. "I would love to but, raincheck?"

"Yeah, okay. Raincheck." Mac couldn't keep the disappointed timber out of her voice. She turned on her heel, about to make a beeline for her own office when a thought made her stop. There had been something nagging at her, a statement Harm made that turned her insides to jelly.

It made her close the door in order to give them privacy from the few stragglers still in the bullpen. "You said you kissed me like a lover would, not a friend on the night my engagement party."

Lover. The word had rolled off his tongue so easily in a kind of bedroom voice that sent desire through her. She had been shocked by Harm's open admission, especially considering most heartfelt conversations were spoken in riddles.

Harm stared at Mac with his patented 'Rabb-in-the-headlights' look. He'd almost forgotten that comment, although he couldn't forget what came after, that sweet kiss before he left. "Did I?"

"Yes." Mac hesitated for a moment, nervously shifting from side to side while her hands kept a stranglehold on her cover. "Have you... fantasized about me that way?"

"What way?"

"As your lover?"

Lover. Mac's voice was soft and breathy, seductive although he knew she wasn't trying to be. Not with those sad, brown eyes that glanced up expectantly. "A gentleman never tells." He'd meant it as a joke that only backfired when Mac's shoulders slumped.

"Harm…"

"Mac, I wanna talk about that just not here." He tapped his pen against the files again and sighed. "I'm sorry."

"I guess I'll leave you to it then."

The sadness seemed to deepen in her eyes, the Marine facade crumbling when she opened the door and walked into the bullpen. It made Harm panic, forcing him to give chase only to find a man heading towards her. "I hoped I would catch you. Flight got delayed. You free for dinner?"

Commander Knox. _Sonofabitch! _The submariner was wearing civvies, holding a bouquet of red roses which he offered to Mac. For the life of him, Harm couldn't understand why he couldn't move, couldn't react. It was like a supernatural force held him in place.

He watched as Mac took the flowers and then threaded her arm through the crook of Jake's. As they walked out of JAG arm in arm Harm felt an awful sensation at the pit of his stomach. He'd been through this before, watching another man swoop in and take the woman he loved. "Yes, Mac… I've fantasized about you." He said under his breath wondering why it was always so difficult to openly admit his feelings for her.

"Damnit." For the first time, Harm felt like a coward.


	7. Taken All My Dreams

Thanks for the reviews on this one. I've been enjoying writing it. This part is a little funny and a litle angsty and a little sexy… there's a little of everything. I know some don't like my portrayal of Harm in this one, I get it… but, I see it as a strong man who is coming to grips with things he never did before.

One of the sad facts of JAG is that they would toss in some back story and then gloss it over, much like S10 with 4% Solution and Mac, who was clearly going through some serious PTSD. It wasn't quite mentioned and they should have brought up in a multi episode arc instead of turning her into an irrational bitch.

Now, why this story kicked off was a discussion I had with a doctor and how past events can subconsciously damage a person because you never came to terms with it. I believe, in a way Harm sabotages his relationships because, subconsciously, he doesn't know how to be happy.

Mac needs the action and the words, a product of someone she was supposed to love (mom/dad) leaving her/abusing her.

They are both very flawed which is why they are sooo damned good together. When she falls, he picks her up. When he falls, she picks him up… sooo…

Oh, sorry about some typos. I write on my phone these days and well… yeah.. You get it.

Enjoy!

**Chapter 7 - Taken All My Dreams**

It was much too late for Harm to be banging down her door _again_ but, there he was just after midnight. He couldn't help himself. Once Mac had left with the bubblehead, Harm tried to bury himself in work, reviewing files, sorting them in neat, organized piles. There were cases four and five years old where he'd been partnered with Mac. Those were the ones he looked at closely only to find it forced memories into his head - details he hadn't really noticed were filed into his memory bank for future introspection.

Minutiae of his favorite Marine like the shade of lipstick she wore or a particular comment veiled with innuendo. There were cases from what seemed to be eons ago, when they both were single and seemed to spend endless time together - never moving past the boundary of friendship for reasons he couldn't comprehend.

It was the last file on his desk, the bottom of the stack that got him moving - _his_ murder trial, the one where Chegwidden had given his defense to Carolyn Imes. He had hopes that his case would resolve without much fanfare but, as the days passed and the strikes against him grew, his defense wavered.

Mac had come to his aid, leaving her her high paying gig to save him. They battled as they usually did until she provided an impassioned plan that would solidify his innocence. He loved her then, although it didn't register just how much, how hard he'd eventually fall.

"Harm?" She was wearing a red silk kimono cinched at the waist that dropped just below mid thigh. No cowboy pajamas or the silky midnight blue ones he'd caught her in once. Whatever she wore under the kimono was either very short or maybe she was naked under the silk?

The later concept made Harm seethe as he barged into her apartment, eyes searching for signs that the submariner had followed her home. With the way that idiotic bubblehead had fawned all over Mac at headquarters, Harm was certain he would try to get into her pants. Nothing was out of place, there were no tell-tale signs of another person occupying space. "You're alone?"

Mac stared at him quizzically until his assumption sunk in and her reaction was an icy glare. How dare he assume she was sleeping with someone? And if she were, how was that his business? "You know? These late night visits are getting old."

"Are you dating him?" Harm asked so suddenly it made him wince at how accusatory his tone sounded. Her glare only intensified to that patented MacKenzie irritation he'd been on the receiving end of one time too many. Only, this time, he wasn't trying to push her buttons, he just needed to know if there was another player in there game, another man vying for her affections.

She raised a brow as her arms folded across her chest. "_Him_ who?"

"Oh, c'mon Mac!" Harm yelled, tossing his hands up in the air. "You _know_ who, Josh!" _No_, that wasn't right, the name did start with a 'J' so he spit out the first thing that came to mind. "Jeremy!"

Also wrong. "Jim?" When Mac stared at him as if he'd lost his mind, Harm decided to clarify waving his hand at her as he spoke. "Whatever the hell that bubblehead's name was!"

"Jim?" She managed to suppress a laugh. "You mean Jake?"

Like it mattered? "Yeah _that_ guy."

Mac heaved a sigh, it was far too late for them to engage in his jealousy game. "Harm..."

"I don't want you dating him." He said with finality, in the most demanding tone. "In fact, I don't want you seeing anyone. I don't want you dating anyone." He was pacing now, moving back and forth like a caged jungle cat. And then he came to a stop in front of her.

"Harm…"

Had the other man stolen a kiss? Harm now regretted choosing duty over a few hours in her company. Images of her and Mic tortured him, the other mistake he could have prevented if he only told her how he felt. "Please don't tell me you kissed him?" He asked with a pained expression.

Mac pinched the bridge of her nose as the interaction was starting to get a headache. "Kiss who? Jake?"

"Isn't it Josh?"

"_No_, it's Jake." But, Harm didn't hear her as he resumed his pacing, something that was beginning to trouble Mac. This wasn't like him, the crazy outburst, the restlessness. Just how much did the brig affect him so that he was so out of sorts?. "Harm, stop. You're starting to worry me."

"You _did_ kiss Jim didn't you?" He stopped in front of her with an accusatory glare which caused Mac to take a few steps back.

"Now you're doing that on purpose. His name is Jake. And _no_ I haven't… Well, there was that time in college."

When she grinned sheepishly, Harm's exasperation hit a new level. "You _dated_ him?!"

Mac shrugged, honestly not seeing what was bothering him so much about the submariner. The man would never hold a candle to Harm, no man could. "Yes, if you must know. Back when I was studying law. It never worked out and isn't going to either." She placed a hand on his forearm, instantly feeling that electric tingle when they touched. "Harm, look at me." When his eyes raised to hers, Mac held his gaze steady, hoping he would understand. "I'm not interested in Jake."

"Oh." Her words sank in, making him feel like an erratically jealous fool. He tore his gaze away, glancing around as if realizing for the first time that he barged into her home without invitation. "Tonight you went on a date with him."

"_Dinner,_ not a date. I made it abundantly clear that I wasn't interested in him _that_ way. I may have smacked him when he tried to cop a feel."

Now that set Harm off, his mind conjuring up images of him pummeling Knox into the ground. "He did what? Sonofa…" Her hand on his forearm tightened and released several times tempering his rage.

"I handled it.. You don't mess with a Marine."

"So you're not dating Joel?" Harm grinned as he purposely said the wrong name, amused when she smacked his shoulder playfully. He missed that smile of hers, the sweet one when Mac tried to mask a faux irritation over his antics.

"No, I am not dating him."

"Good cuz I really don't want you dating or seeing anyone else." Harm moved in closer drawn like a magnet, until Mac was just inches away from him. He could feel the heat of her body radiating towards him and the curiosity of what, if anything, was under that kimono awakened his desire for her.

"You've already pointed that out." Mac's hands came to her hips as she stared up at him definitely, daring Harm to make some sort of move. His head dipped slowly down to hers, enough that all she had to do was lean in to kiss him. Instead, her hands came up to his chest, holding him steadfast as she sought to find clarity in his words. "So if I can't do any of these things I'm going to have a really really boring life."

"I know you won't."

"Why? How?"

His hands wrapped around her wrists, fingers brushing over the pulse points of the most delicate skin. Harm pulled her hands off him, covering whatever space was left between them, stopping just short when all he wanted was to kiss her. "Because I...You can do all those things.. _with me_." Studiously he took in the look on her face, tilted up, lips parted just enough in anticipation for that kiss. Her eyes were almost closed, mere slivers of darkened amber peaked through.

She wanted his touch, his kiss. "Harm, kiss me." She pleaded, breathing the softest of happy sighs when his mouth claimed hers.

Harm pressed his lips against hers gently and when her mouth moved under his, he deepened the kiss. Why did a simple kiss have to feel so intimate and erotic? He wondered, when his tongue slipped past her lips and meshed with her own.

She melted into him, hands grabbing his uniform in order to hold herself upright when the need to breathe almost had her topple over. And then he stopped, when one of her hands drifted low, grazing each button of his dress blouse, stopping just above his belt buckle. "Harm?" Mac questioned, when he pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.

It was over far too quickly. "Mac, I…" Harm sighed, hoping to say the words that had eluded him in regards to her, finding that they would fail him again. What was it about her that turned him into an emotional wreck? He had all the words in the World to sway even the hardest of jury's but, with Mac he always fumbled, always screwed up. Always. Which is why it was easier to keep his distance, to not feel so much. "I...ah...damnit." Frustrated he pulled away cursing inwardly for the sudden act of cowardice.

"Harm? What's wrong?" He was shaking, balling his hands into fists and wouldn't look her in the eye. There was an instant disconnect like a line that had been severed and yet, her lips still tingled, her body was still heated. Confused, she watched him move away, plopping onto her sofa and dejectedly scrubbing a hand over his face. "What just happened?" She wondered out loud.

"Why is it that I can't talk to you? You know everything about me, my best friend. But…" Harm wouldn't look at her, he couldn't out of fear that she would read the wrong message in his eyes. Instead, he took an interest in his hands, running a finger over the etching on his Annapolis ring. "When it comes to my feelings for you I don't know where to start."

She settled on her coffee table and reached out to place a palm against his cheek, raising his face so that her eyes could meet her own. They took on a storm tossed hue, an indication that he was either upset or conflicted. What the hell had the brig done to him? Maybe she should have tried harder to see him, to let him know that she hadn't abandoned him, never would. "Just tell me."

"I can't."

"Why?"

He pressed a hand against hers, swallowing hard as he tried to figure out the words to say. It felt silly even to himself, the fear that consumed him when he thought about a real relationship with Mac. "I'm afraid I'll say something wrong and you'll hate me."

Sadly, she sighed at his admission. Despite the animosity between them at times, the confusion, the hurt, she could never hate him. He meant too much to her, she felt too much for him. "Oh Harm, I could _never_ hate you. I've been upset with you but, hate is a very strong word that I don't use too often."

'_What I want the most, Mac is to never lose you.'_

'_I promise you, no matter what happens, you won't lose me.'_

Harm pulled her hand away from his face and thought about the past, that night on the Admiral's porch and the undeniable fact that she was willing to marry another man because he couldn't be what she wanted "What if I lose you? I almost lost you once."

"Harm, stop this, please."

"I don't know how to state my intentions, I don't think I ever will."

His eyes had darkened and Mac knew the exact moment the conversation was over. He was pulling away, changing tack and keeping her at arms length. The dance was on again - two steps forward and one hundred back - complicating something that could be so easy. Mac hoped to draw him back in, to admit what she felt in her heart was the truth - he loved her, just as much as she loved him. "What are your intentions?"

"I don't know." He stood and moved around Mac, retreating towards her door. A voice inside was screaming for him to stop, telling him to take Mac in his arms and never let her go. It was at war with another voice, the one that told him that things could never work out between them, he only brings heartache to the ones he loves. "I have to go. I need to figure a few things out."

"Stay. Please stay." Mac's voice sounded fragile even to herself, betraying the brave face she'd put up when he pulled away from her. "I'm tired of waiting."

"I'm sorry." With those final words, he walked out of her door again.

The infinite times she'd cried to sleep over him played out in her mind. Along with her sense of timing often came the impeccable memories of select events in her life. Why she chose to recall those loneliness when she was heartbroken and pining for a love that didn't want her, Mac was never sure. But, each time, far too many to count, played like a cheap movie.

One thing was for sure, she was done crying over Harmon Rabb, Junior. And yet, when her head hit the pillow, she cried for him anyway.


	8. Secrets Locked Inside

Okay so this story is kinda cathartic. I have this problem where I try to justify why Harm and Mac do the things they do as if they were real people.

This has been fun. I may do a Mac version...lawd that woman needs couch time. ;-)

**Chapter 8 - Secrets Locked Inside.**

Emotions were very messy and very unnecessary in his opinion. He hated when they held on with an iron grip, as they often did, but then again Mac had been right when she said that Harm ran on them.

"I thought therapy was supposed to help?!" Harm spat out in irritation. He had another sleepless night that was preceded by another fall out (well, what else could he call it?) with Mac. Angrily he drummed his fingers against the armrest, trying to temper a steely irritation.

Dr. Riley smiled knowingly. Despite what the Commander believed, his change in demeanor, the jet jock persona he hid behind could not conceal the deeper issues any longer. It was a breakthrough that was difficult yet necessary. "Another sleepless night?"

"And I've probably destroyed the best thing that has happened in my life." He thought back to the previous night, the obligatory push and pull that defined his..._thing_ with Mac. With the way she'd snaked her arms around him, it was clear they'd had the same intentions at one point. Intentions that fueled his sleepless night spent with his cordless phone in hand.

Harm wanted to call her, apologize and go back to kissing her. Damn, could the woman kiss and that, in and of itself was a problem, a danger. He didn't want this to he about sex or a deeply rooted physical attraction. He wanted her completely, body and soul - only her. It was a truth that terrified him, the thought of needing someone in such a way and the certain destruction of himself if she didn't feel the same.

Did Mac love him? She had to. These kinds of emotions couldn't run so strong if they both didn't feel something.

"Damnit, Mac." Her name slipped out, an audible cue as to his erratic behavior that made Dr. Riley take notice.

She put her pen down and eased back into the chair, ready to navigate another mindfield with her patient. That name had come up more than others although the Commander had skirted around it. "You said you didn't want to talk about her."

"Well… now I do." He said a little too bitterly and let out a deep breath.

"When did you meet?" Dr. Riley began, allowing her client to set the tone, tell his tale. More than often, it would force things up to the surface, hidden facets of his troubles.

"On an assignment, about seven years ago." He thought back to that cool spring morning and the beautiful Marine Major that would turn his life upside down. "Things got sketchy, I rescued her and she saved me. Kinda like an action movie. It was the start of an adventure more than a partnership." And though the years they shared enough excitement to last multiple lifetimes. "But, there was a problem."

_Diane_. The memories were hazy now but, he still recalled opening the body bag and finding Diane pale and lifeless, her white uniform stained in blood. It hurt something awful and added to his collection of loved ones who had passed. "Mac is the doppelganger for a woman I once knew."

"A girlfriend?"

Was she? He wasn't sure anymore. "On and off, I guess. Met in Annapolis, dated for a time but, we were both too career driven. Diane was one of the first female crypto specialists to join a cruise. Navy Times poster girl kinda stuff." He loved her with a puppy dog kind of infatuation, lived on her every breath until he stepped foot on a carrier and fell in love with life at sea.

"I was a young Ensign and once I got my wings...I was the girl in every port kind of sailor." He blushed at his admission, not a little ashamed of drunken nights on liberty which he'd spent in some random woman's arms. "We always came back to each other but, things were messy, we fought badly. I decided to give it one more shot, was gonna go away with her one weekend, figure out if we had a future… She was killed. Shot. I investigated her murder."

Harm decided not to divulge the rest. His arrest, the short time he spent in the brig until Chegwidden got him out.

Four months later, there came Mac with her beauty and grace, a lethal combination wrapped in Marine greens.

"When you said doppelganger…"

"They could have been twins...It made things between Mac and and me a little tense. She would catch me looking and we'd both turn away suddenly. I used to study the similarity, the differences."

"Like?"

"Mac's voice is like music, so is her laughter. But she can sound tough, rougher… Diane's was very sing song… Their eyes." Both Mac and Diane's eyes were brown, uniquely so. But Mac's were the only ones that saw through him to the depths of his soul.

"We always find light eyes attractive. Blues and greens but, Mac's eyes…" He sighed as he thought of her beautifully expressive eyes. "I've never seen anything like them. Golden amber." A shade that intensified when she laughed or cried. In actuality, they took a lovelier shade when she was happy, the amber marbling with caramel.

"I loved Diane but Mac breathed life back into me, became the voice of reason when I lost all control….My best friend...My...My..."

"Why do you hesitate?" At his far off look, Dr. Riley pressed harder for an answer. "Why did you hesitate?"

"I almost lost her to another man because I said the wrong things. With her I always say the wrong things." It disturbed him that the push and pull continued yet, that he hurt her again when he clamped down on his feelings for reasons Harm couldn't explain.

Dr. Riley looked down at her notes and a subject that had come up before in regards to him. "Do you resent Mac for looking like your former girlfriend?"

The question made his head snap up, his eyes clouding over. His heart twisted, recalling a familiar conversation on the Admiral's porch. "No. It wasn't her fault. It was just...uncanny. Forced me to deal with the loss of Diane and how it affected my partnership with Mac."

But the fact was that he just did not love Diane like he did Mac. Yes, he loved Diane, entertained thoughts of the future, settling down. Something inside told him they were designed to fail, a fact he accepted once her death was avenged on the docks in Norfolk.

_I know, you were kissing her._

Mac's words had haunted him for weeks, the way they were spoken yearning and pain. She wanted him then, he knew else the Marine would have done more than threaten bodily damage. No, Mac wanted him, he could tell from the kiss, the way her lips moved with his. It sprung something loose in him and, that night Harm realized, really realized he was having feelings for Mac.

The sleepless nights followed along with awkward interactions, the bumbling - he didn't know he could bumble until he met her - all culminating in Russia. Harm knew he loved her then and not because she looked like an old flame. The moment she stood toe to toe with him, dressed like the sexiest of gypsys, threatening his emotions, Harm knew he was falling in love.

Diane had become a distant memory hidden away in a small, worn shoebox in his storage locker. There was something about Mac that no other woman could hold a candle to. She was the other half of him, the compass that kept him True North, the woman of his dreams. That was a cliché he knew, but there was no other way to describe it and he wished for the love of God that he could have told her something sooner.

No words could describe the stark intensity he felt around her, overwhelming in its design. Too overwhelming so, he kept her at arm's length. It was best that way, to remain friends because the few lovers he actually cared for caused him such heartache.

Harm learned to live with hiding his feelings by pretending to love someone else. He was happy, sort of, and then Mic Brumby came along. Seeing his blasted ring on her finger nearly killed him as did the impending nuptials. It made perfect sense to escape to a carrier miles and miles away just so he wouldn't see his Marine marry someone else. All because he was too stupid, too much of a coward to stop her.

"Commander?" Lost in thought, he hadn't heard Dr. Riley calling him.

With a sigh Harm thought about Mac's actions towards him, her own escape to an LHA, the fallout which ensued. Maybe he'd been running on emotions again, assuming she cared for him as much as he did for her? Maybe this was all her little game? He the ultimate marionette to her whims?

_No_. Mac wasn't the type to try to hurt him purposely, although some of her actions in the past did indeed hurt like hell. "Why do we hurt the ones we love?"

"It happens sometimes. Either to protect ourselves or them."

"I want her but, I've pushed her away and I can't find a good reason why."

Dr. Riley sighed. "Commander, did you ever stop and think that maybe witnessing your mom losing your dad affected you somehow?"

A lot of his memories from that age were muddled save for images of his mother crying so desperately once the tragic news arrived at their doorstep. She cried so much, so hard that not even Little Harm's hugs could comfort her.

There was no consoleing his mother when she cried herself to sleep for seemingly endless nights. Harm remembered how she'd cry out his father's name begging God for his safe return. The vision that remained seared into his mind was that of his mother, laying in bed with his dad's pillow crushed to her chest, crying an endless river of tears.

Little Harm's hugs wouldn't stop her hurting so he'd dejectedly return to his room, play with his toy airplanes believing that, one day his hero would return. It just never ever clicked until this very moment that he associated love with pain.

Not just any love in particular but, that irrevocable kind of love that was all consuming. That is what he felt for Mac in the most chaotic of forms.

"Have you ever had a successful relationship in your life?" She knew the answer, it was evident by the way he carried himself like a bachelor, aiming to be detached. Only it was a facade, a veneer to keep loved ones away.

"Yes." Harm said too quickly and then held his breath when his mind tried to conjure up his past conquests. There were none, every woman he'd been romantically involved with had left him in some form or another. "No..I.. we fall apart...always."

_Annie_. He visibly cringed at the thought of that relationship and the neurosis (as Mac called it) that would have slowly suffocated him.

_Jordan_. The woman was beautiful, blonde, intelligent but, he didn't quite realize their relationship was something of a project to her. Or rather, he was. Still stinging from the pain of Russia it was easy to fall into her arms, use her to forget how badly he'd failed his father. She'd left the moment he decided to return to a carrier, not realizing that part of his life also needed closure.

_Renee_. Perhaps his biggest mistake. The warm body he sought comfort in when Mac fell into Mic's arms. She wasn't quite his type, the trophy wife he never wanted. Oh, she'd make him forget, let him use her for pleasure in hopes he'd one day declare his undying love. A fool's errand and a wasted couple of years when he should have staked his claim on Mac's heart.

There had been others, of course, the girls that fell over themselves to bed the Naval officer with dress whites and gold wings, a tangible officer and a gentleman. None of them were relationship material.

"Mac, doc. The only lasting relationship I've had has been with her."

"But, you're not romantically involved."

"No." They weren't but, at this point in their ebb and flow she what's the one constant that always remained, the most positive thing of his life, the woman he had could not have. "It's never been the right time…It's complicated."

Dr. Riley grinned knowingly at her patient, "I find when my patients use the word 'complicated', it gives them a shield to hide behind. Is she seeing someone?"

_Oh God, no. _He couldn't live through that again. "I don't think so."

"Then uncomplicate it… at the end of it all isn't Mac the woman you want to be with?"

She was and Harm knew it. He wanted her so badly. "Then why aren't I?...We get close and some catastrophe happens. More often than not, it's me. I say the wrong things… get diffensive."

"You hurt the one you love?"

"I… yes. Why?"

"You're scared."

Harm was and be knew it, the fear of loving and losing her weighed heavily. "I don't want to lose her friendship. But, I want so much more and it's driving me crazy."

"Do you ever consider that watching your mother suffer as she did could have had an ongoing effect? A type of PTSD that never resolved."

Harm scowled at her suggestion. "I was six. I wasn't at war."

"You don't need to be at War to suffer post-traumatic stress, Commander. What happened to your family was traumatic. Did you ever receive counselling for it?"

"My mom did. I was sent to my grandmother's farm in Pennsylvania for a few months." It was healing in a way, but I never did address his own anguish. "I don't remember much after that until mom began seeing a man who would eventually become my step dad."

Harm leaned forward and scrubbed a hand over his face. He felt drained, exhausted. "PTSD, huh?"

"That would cause your erratic behavior and the lack of sleep. Being accused of something you didn't do can have a profound effect. Combine that with your case and it's bound to cause an emotional overload."

Harm sighed. "I thought Mac abandoned me." His friends too but, it was her which hurt the most. "She didn't."

"Do you think she ever will?"

"No." He answered and then brushed a tear away from his eye.

_'What I want most is to never lose you.'_


	9. Lose Your Doubt

I do love this little story... Mac gets a little pay back...;-)

**Chapter 9 - Lose Your Doubt**

It felt very wrong to step into his home unannounced but she was seething - pissed. Beyond, pissed. She also hadn't slept after he left her apartment and although Mac had become an expert in concealing her grief with make-up, there wasn't any foundation in the World to hide her disastrous night.

Tears wouldn't seem to stop falling and an abundant agony settled deep within her. Oh, she'd cried over him before, too many times to really count but, there was something different this time, a deep rooted sense that she was losing him for good. He was so erratic, so hurt and confused. But, then he kissed her too, an act that would have meant something if Harm hadn't just as quickly erected those walls of his.

And dammit, why did he have to kiss her so… completely? The man was good at it too - she knew as much from that night on the Admiral's porch, but last night would have made it so easy for them to let go. Yet, he pushed her away, again. He was always pushing her away and Mac was sick of it.

She played a part as well, running away when it seemed he was finally willing to talk and admit things. But then, nothing. They hit the reset button for the third time in their relationship with similar results - nothing. She couldn't take it anymore.

Stepping into the bullpen that morning had been a chore. She'd been downright crass and flippant, annoyed with everything and everyone that crossed her path. It didn't quite help that his office was still dark and empty, devoid of the telltale signs that Harm ever returned save for the stack of files neatly piled on his desk. Not that she wanted him there anyway.

Mac made it halfway through the day when a searing migraine forced her to secure early. She was hoping to change into comfy pajamas and sink into her couch with a mindless movie and a comforting mug of hot chocolate.

Her car had other ideas and somehow wound up across town, slightly North of Union Station parked in front of his apartment building. Her heels carried her up the steps to his apartment, cursing the fact that his stupid elevator never worked, another detail adding to Mac's foul mood.

Finally, when Mac's fist was poised to knock on his metal door the migraine gave away to pure, unadulterated anger.

She was angry at him, at herself and this stupid situation that seemed to have no resolution. She was tired of pining for him, hurting for a love that would never be hers. She felt like a fool, a lovesick idiot to his every word.

Mac knocked on his door, cursing when it went unanswered. "Jerk." She probably shouldn't have used her key and yet did anyway, stepping inside to find Harm scrubbing his kitchen counter, the acrid smell of chemicals faintly lingering in the air despite his open windows.

He was wearing only an undershirt that had more stains on it than clean areas - clearly one that he used for manual labor, like oil changes and other "manly" things. When he glanced up at her, Mac noted a dark smudge on his left cheek and a confused pair of sea green eyes.

Music was blaring from his radio, a fact she hadn't noticed until she began to yell at him without its desired effect. Her angry "Damnit!" was muffled by some unfamiliar rock song and angrily, Mac stomped across the room, turned the music off and then whirled at him. "Listen to me you, silly, pigheaded, infuriating man… You can't come to my place at ungodly hours spouting some nonsense and then kiss me senseless only to leave."

"Mac…"

"No, Harm." She would have laughed at his Rabb-in-the-headlights look if she wasn't still so upset. Instead, she walked swiftly across the apartment, rounding the kitchen island. "_You're_ _not_ the only one hurting, you know?!"

"Mac… I…"

She came toe to toe with him, jabbing a finger into his chest painfully. "You can't corner that market because I've been there, I'm _still_ there."

"Woah… power down, Marine." Harm visibly winced when the words came out, noting that the fire in her eyes burned that much more out of control; he merely added kindle to it. Her eyes widened, her jaw tensed and he knew he was in for a tongue lashing. "Mac…"

"I'm not gonna _power down_, Commander!" She spat at him and then took a deep breath. "I've accepted that, maybe, you can't come to terms with your emotions. But, how dare you presume that I would hate you or that I would leave you? I went to the ends of the Earth for you and would do it again just to make sure you're safe."

"Mac, I know.. I just…"

"You weren't the one left behind! I was… _Me_… And I wouldn't do that to you."

"Mac… Listen." He placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to stop her tirade so he could have a shot in explaining himself. Instead, she shrugged out of his hold and moved towards him again, backing him into one of the cabinets.

"No, Harm… _You_ listen to _me_." And then, that tough posture softened, the Marine giving way to the woman he desired so much. There was a look in her eyes of determination and love, just as her walls came down.

"I'm in love with you." The words came out in a rush, too rushed. So Mac took a breath and repeated them again slowly. "I'm in love with you and I'm never gonna stop loving you." Her hand came up to his cheek, brushing away the smudge with her fingertips. "I tried to forget what I felt for you once. But, it's impossible to let you go."

When he stood there, mouth agape, eyes dark and unreadable, Mac sighed. "If you can't deal with that, fine, but then you have to let me go and let move on with my life."

"You love me?"

"With all my heart." She admitted, unable to stop the solitary tear that fell which he brushed away with the pad of this thumb. Mac noticed it then, his bandaged left hand and the coppery smudge on gauze that signified he'd been bleeding. "What happened to your hand?"

Harm tried to pull away when she clamped down on his wrist and began to unravel his piss poor bandaging. "I rather not say. Oww!" He yelped when Mac shoved his now uncovered hand under the faucet.

"You need to clean it." Gingerly, she rinsed the blood off, using her fingers to lightly rub off the bits that had dried. Mac lathered dish soap onto her fingers and ran them carefully over the cut at his palm and the back of his hand. After rinsing, she turned off the water, ran a fingertip over his injuries and then brought his hand up to study each and every digit. "It's not broken." She said, satisfied that Harm wasn't in need of a hospital.

Harm was eyeing her carefully, the way her tongue darted out in concentration as she tasked herself in caring for him. The cute way she scowled when her fingers moved over each cut. She was incredibly tender, a stark contrast to the woman who barged into his apartment with murderous intent. "Where's your first aid kit?"

"In the head. Under the sink" And then she was pulling him across the loft, up the steps to his bedroom and towards the bathroom. Harm decided not to argue, simply followed her lead even when she instructed him to sit on the closed toilet.

His eyes skimmed her long legs and the way her skirt came up to mid thigh when Mac squatted down to dig out the kit. Even in uniform, Mac was gorgeous. The well tailored Marine greens showed off her curves and the modest pumps defined her legs and calves. More than once he fantasized about those legs wrapped around his waist as they made love. He wondered how his name would sound uttered from her kissable lips while in the throes of passion.

Harm shifted uncomfortably when she kneeled in front of him and took his injured hand, producing a tube of triple antibiotic that she slathered over the cuts. "You have wonderful bedside manners, Marine." He said in a bedroom voice that was entirely too husky given their current situation.

"I have an even better right hook." The iciness was back in her voice although she wasn't yelling anymore. "How did this happen?" She asked, replacing the cap on the tube and then fishing out a roll of gauze and tape.

"It's stupid." Embarrassing actually for a fighter pilot with razor skills to be attacked by the Corvette's door. After his last therapy session, Harm was a little too wired and a lot distracted, his hand was in the wrong place at the wrong time. "I sorta slammed my own hand on the car door."

Harm was prepared for a snide comment, a joke at his expense. Instead she rolled his eyes at him and proceeded to smooth the gauze over his hand anchoring the edges with tape. "I've been on the receiving end of that. Thankfully it was just a finger." Satisfied with her work, Mac raised his hand to her lips and pressed a soft kiss on his knuckles. "There, all better."

"Thank you." His eyes fastened to hers in one of their infamous silent conversations only to have her turn away. "Why did you come here, Mac?"

"To talk about us." With his help, she stood up taking a step back until her six hit the sink. "Things were simple once. What happened?" Mac folded her arms across her chest once Harm stood to full height. It made the bathroom seem so tiny.

"I left to fly." He stated the obvious, the one catalyst that had begun their downward spiral. "And returned to find you'd moved on without me."

"Harm...I." Mac's eyes fell away from his drifting to a spot on the ground. He had a point that she couldn't argue against. "I was talking about this past year. After Christmas we sorta fell apart." Mac knew taking turns on the bench held its fair share of blame. They were too close with the power to tear apart each others playbook and go for the jugular. She really believed they were over contrite situations. Hadn't they been moving towards something? "You left me in the lurch about Singer. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, you've done it before."

"When?"

"Hunting Diane's killer. Searching for your father. Going after Palmer."

"You didn't need to get involved in any of that." And yet she did anyway, saving his life when his obsessions had gone too far, taking him to the darkest of places. "I didn't want you involved."

"Would you have even told me about Russia if Chegwidden hadn't sent me to watch your six?"

"No."

"Why?"

Because she was too close. Because it was too dangerous and he cared too much to see her hurt or worse... Because he loved her. "Because I, Mac... Look never mind." Mentally, Harm wanted to slap himself for holding back once again, for putting that sad look in her eyes. He could sense her anger breath to life again.

But, Mac didn't yell at him like she wanted to. Instead, she spoke softly out of fear that her voice would crack. "I can't keep doing this with you."

"Mac…"

"Damn, you! Why don't you ever let me in!?" Mac was willing to plead with him, beg for an answer that once and for all would define their relationship.

"Because I'm in love with you."

And suddenly he was standing, looming over and making the bathroom space feel claustrophobic. "What?"

Harm felt lighter, like a weight had lifted from his shoulders. "I'm in love with you and I'm terrified of getting too close." A mere breath away, he placed his hands on either side of her, trapping Mac between himself and the basin. He breathed in her scent, a combination of shampoo, perfume and the sweet smell of her skin. When he spoke again, his voice had taken on a husky timbre, seductive in nature. "I'm terrified of how intense this is and of what can happen if we screw it up."

"Harm…"

"I want you Mac, only you… I've wanted you for years." His arms had somehow snaked around her, lifting Mac so that her bottom settled against the sink's ledge.

Instinctively, her legs parted allowing Harm to step closer, pressing against her, his willing captive. His bandaged hand came up to her face so that his knuckles moved over her elegant cheekbones. "Say it again."

"What part?"

"You love me?"

"With all my heart." Harm kissed her long and slow, building with passion so much that Mac was clinging to him. She pulled his body closer and felt the telling sign of his desire press against her. When she moaned his name, he became completely unglued. Whatever control still lingered he surrendered to her, hopelessly lost in her arms.

Carefully he raised her up again, grinning agsinst Mac's lips when her legs wrapped around his waist as Harm carried her into the bedroom. "You don't know how badly I've wanted to strip you out of this uniform." He punctuated each word with a kiss as his fingers began to pop open the buttons of her jacket.

He eased her down in front of the bed, never taking his mouth from hers. "Harm, we can't." Mac said although she didn't have the strength to pull away especially when his hand found itself under her blouse. His fingers traced the sides of her breast, running down her flank and up again, the feeling of his rough hand over her skin making Mac shake. He cupped one breast gently and his thumb moved over the nipple still encased in the bra bringing the peak to attention.

"Harm, you...I… oh.." She tried to mount another defense much more for his sake than hers. The last few days Harm had been erratic, running so hot and cold that it was giving her whiplash. Mac didn't want to take advantage of him and live with the repercussions that could arise if he suddenly believed making love to her was a mistake. Plus, she was still a little upset with him and it was time to turn the tables.

She was also scared of what spending time in his arms could do and the blow that would come if he erected those walls up again. "Harm…" He'd managed to pull off her jacket and fully unbutton her tie and blouse.

The mouth that was previously on hers descended down her neck and was currently working its way towards the valley of her breasts. "Harm." Mac said his name with a little more force which ceased any more of his advances. "We can't. Not like this."

"Not like what?"

When he snapped his head up, it was all Mac could do to not push him onto the bed and have her way with him. His eyes had darkened, desire clearly evident in them. And that pout was boyishly sweet, deserving of more kisses. Sighing, she took a step back, trying to move away from his heat that beckoned like a moth to a flame. "Yesterday you practically ran away from me. Now…"

"I love you." He said, as if their current situation would be fixed by three simple words.

"I know… I love you too." And then she was collecting her jacket slipping it back on. Frantically, Mac began buttoning her blouse and then disappeared into the bathroom to straighten her tie. Even though she was heading home, a good Marine was always squared away.

"So, you're leaving?"

"Yes."

"But, I thought..."

"You thought telling me you love me would make me instantly fall into bed with you?" She poked out of the bathroom, uniform perfectly in place. Even the lipstick that was smudged from their kisses was in order. "Did you think it would be that easy?" She laughed at his shy nod, the cute way he looked with his hair disheveled and his lips tinted in red. Mac's eyes skimmed his muscular chest with the perfect peppering of hair trailing down to that part of his body that was still straining to be touched.

"Sarah…"

"I'm not that kind of girl, Harm." Mac stepped up to his bed, trying her best to not to let him seduce her when all she wanted was him, all of him. "When is your last session?"

"Tomorrow and then I'm free, at least I hope I am."

"Dinner? My place tomorrow night?"

Mac's tone of voice made a smile curve on his lips. Her tone held a bit of hope. He grabbed her hand when Mac made to pass by him and pulled her body against his. This time, his kiss was soft, barely there, Harm didn't want to smudge her lipstick. "Only if you call me when you get home."


	10. Keep Your Secrets

Love this one, it's wrapping up soonish couple more chapters... LOVE the phone bit between Harm and Mac, you'll see what I mean. ;)

**Chapter 10 - Keep Your Secrets**

Once again and hopefully for the last time, Harm sat in one of the guest chairs of Dr. Riley's office. He had a silly grin plastered on his face and not more than five minutes earlier was happily whistling while he poured himself a cup of coffee. He felt relaxed with a sort of ease that had been missing in his life for several months now.

He was happy, really, really happy and it was all because of a certain, gorgeous Marine.

It was his breakthrough.

"You look cheerful." Dr Riley said, unable to stop his grin from infecting her. The man was practically radiating his good vibes, a stark difference to the Officer which sulked into her office a week prior.

"Do I?" His flyboy smile went up to full wattage. "I'm exhausted actually, I ah… spent most of the night on the phone." Harm intended for their conversation to be short, a quick chat to make sure Mac had gotten home okay. When he heard the splash of water from her bath, he couldn't keep her on long enough...

* * *

._... "I'm home… Do you know how badly I wanted to turn my car around and run back to you?"_

_He heard water splashing over the line and his body, which he'd managed to control after an extended cold shower and maybe a little self release, came to full awareness. "Where are you?"_

_"My place."_

_Harm rolled his eyes and couldn't bite back his annoyed tone. "Where in your place?"_

_"Oh! In the tub."_

_"Naked." He dead-panned and certain parts of his anatomy began to stir to life...again._

_She laughed and the sound made his heart squeeze slightly. "Yeah, Harm. I don't usually bathe with clothes on."_

_Mac. Naked. Oh God. He imagined her covered in nothing but fading bubbles that barely hid her body. The suds caressing her skin when it could be his hands…"I can't take this anymore." There was only so much a man could take. "I'm comin' over."_

_"Don't you dare!"_

_Harm sighed, the woman was going to be the death of him, he was sure. He sat at the edge of the bed and threw himself back into the mattress. "We would have been tangled up in my bed sheets had you stayed…I would have made sure you were properly made love to "_

_Mac went silent for a moment, no doubt considering his last words. He would have enjoyed mapping every inch of her skin, learning what she liked._

_"I didn't want regrets from you." It was the silence that fell after her statement that made Harm realize how insecure she was. Then again, he hadn't given her much to hope for in the last few years - always staying a step away, safe. "You're still figuring things out. Sex wasn't going to fix things."_

_She was right, he'd been acting like a lunatic of late, but he was sure of what he wanted from her. "It...I ah… It's not just about...sex, Mac." Harm detested how lame that sounded but, it was a truth she needed to know. There thing had never been about a mutual, physical attraction, it was so much more. He wanted all of her, forever if Mac would have him._

_"Oh. So you don't wanna sleep with me?"_

_And there was her laugh again, teasing, easing the pain. Harm missed that banterr from their partnership which had been strained for far too long. "Not even a flight in a tomcat could drag me away from you."_

_"That's one hell of a compliment."_

_"I've never not wanted you...I keep thinking about what you smell like, what you'd sound like. What you'd feel like beneath me, above me."_

_Her breath hitched audibly and he heard the little splashes of water before she spoke. "Mmm...You're getting me hot and bothered again."_

_"Me too…" He sighed and changed tact, their first time would not be over phone sex. "So...Tell me something about you I don't know."_

_Silence on the line stretched for a moment and Harm was worried he'd lost her. "Mac?"_

_"Yeah? Sorry, the way you were talking was a bit...seductive. I thought...Nevermind...I umm…I'm an idiot."_

_"No, Mac, you're not… I just...just want you to talk to me. For a little while. I missed my best friend."_

_"I missed you too." She sighed opting to play along because she too didn't want to let him go. "Okay...I'm deathly afraid of spiders…" Mac admitted. "Had one crawl into my tent when camping with Uncle Matt. He swore it wasn't poisonous, but it just creeped me out."_

_"How old were you?"_

_"Twelve, I think. When things got a bit…hectic, you know.. at home..." She hesitated for a moment. "He'd take me camping. Taught me to fish, light a fire with no matches. Some of my best memories were of Matt or my grandmother."_

_"Ada?"_

_"You remembered." He could practically hear the smile in her voice. For some reason, there had been aspects of Mac's past that he'd filed away._

_"She taught you Farsi." He grinned at the memory and the only discussion into Mac's personal life that she allowed as they chased down her Uncle Matt so many years ago. It was an attempt to figure out if she and Diane were related in some way only to note the differences that made Mac that more unique._

_"She did, yes… I miss her, I miss Uncle Matt too…. So how about you, flyboy? What dirty little secret do you have?"_

_"Hmmm." Harm thought for a moment and decided he trusted her enough to divulge his biggest fear. "I hate the water...swimming…Absolutely detest it."_

_"What? Aren't you squids all joined at the hip with Neptune or something?"_

_"Hah. I wish...I learned to swim at the Academy. Took a lot of flack for it too."_

_"Didn't you spend Summers in the Bahamas?"_

_"I did. Frank could never get me to learn... According to mom, I nearly drowned at a lake on Grams property the summer after dad went missing...Guess I harbored a fear of water since then."_

_"Harm….Oh no." He knew what she was thinking...May, the storm, ejecting into the roaring waves. "I'm so sorry."_

_"Hey, it's not your fault…"_

_"Yeah it is. I baited you."_

_"Mac, no...I never should have left."_

_"If I'd lost you...Harm...I…"_

_"I know. We're okay." Silence once again stretched over the line and Harm wished he were there to hold her and seek comfort in each other. "Mac, we're okay."_

_"Yeah… We are." After many bumps and bruises they met an understanding although they never really spoke about Mic's departure or Renee's. It was one of the facets of their relationship that was swept under the rug - tabled._

_"Why did you fly back so suddenly?"_

_Why indeed? She was his best friend and Mac had asked for his presence there but, if Harm were truthful, he had fleeting thoughts of stopping the nuptials. "I don't know, Mac… I just… had to be there."_

_"I didn't realize how stifling Mic had been until he was gone... kept wishing you would make me come to my senses."_

_Harm did too, but was too scared to admit his feelings for her and stop that farce of a wedding. Her marrying Brumby would have been living an agonizingly slow death. "I'm glad it happened, he couldn't have made you happy."_

_"He did sometimes but… "_

_"But…"_

_"He wasn't you."_

_"And she wasn't you." He said simply knowing full well that not a single woman on Earth could hold a candle to Mac._

_"I wanted it to be you and when I thought you didn't want me…"_

_"Sarah….I wanted you. I just...I was scared of losing you."_

_"You won't lose me."_

_"You make me wanna believe that." He knew being with her would entail so much more than what he had with anyone else. Harm also knew that he didn't want to fail her. "Sooo, enough of the heavy talk...your favorite ice cream is pistachio, your favorite drink is coffee."_

_"Correct."_

_"You're a Marine, your favorite color is red, right?"_

_She chuckled and he felt that familiar tug on his heart. God, her laughter was sort of magical. "On that you'd be wrong. It's blue...navy blue. The same color of the stone on my belly button ring."_

_"You...what? Crap, gonna need another cold shower…" They both laughed at his words…._

* * *

As it was, they spoke until four am bringing up all sorts of small talk about the past. He learned so many things he hadn't ever dreamed of asking Mac. Little details, snapshots of her life that made her the woman she was today. They talked about their first crushes, first kisses and she couldn't stop laughing at his stories of a 13 year old Harm's troubles with the opposite sex.

Every time one of them said 'goodnight' the other would bring up a new topic until another hour long conversation evolved. He hadn't felt this at ease with Mac in over a year and he wanted more time. "Didn't go to sleep until four maybe five."

"Important conversation?"

"No...well yeah...I guess it was." He grinned sheepishly recalling she'd teased him about the sleep wear she'd worn - describing some lacy, frilly little thing only to confess she was wearing silk pajamas - those were equally tempting.

"With Mac?"

Harm had the decency to blush. "Yeah, with Mac."

"Seems like you made some progress there?"

"I guess I did...It was her doing though." At the doctor's questioning look Harm shrugged, "Mac showed up at my place giving me an earful and then we sort of… I don't know but, I think we're in a good place now. I'm happy… I think."

"You think?"

Harm sighed. Once he hung up with Mac, he began to think about his past relationships and all of the mistakes he'd made. It wasn't too difficult to see him sticking his foot in his mouth, following the same pattern until he lost Mac too. With the others it had hurt, somewhat but, losing Mac would be a weight he didn't want to bare. "What if I screw it up?"

"Why would you?"

"I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth...doing the wrong things."

"Maybe a bit of self sabotage?"

Self sabotage? His brow furled at the term which was clearly psychological babble. He considered it more of something an alcoholic or drug addict would subject themselves to; self hurt. He hadn't exactly considered the term could be associated with relationships or his perception of one. Yet, he did have a habit of doing the wrong things but then, didn't everybody? "Sabotage? How so?"

"Do you cause problems in your relationships?"

Did he? There had been times where Harm knew he could have done and said things differently but, wasn't that the folly of all humans? "I ah… I don't...maybe?"

Dr. Riley caught his hesitation, the way his jovial appearance from earlier deflated. His shoulders slumped and she could practically see the wheels turning in his head. "Tell me about your first serious relationship."

Diane. She was the first woman he ever considered being serious with although, not soon enough. Their budding careers, different billets and the oceans which separated them created quite the cahsom. It was never exclusive or monogamous until the ramp strike had Harm reconsidering his lifelong decisions. "I told you about her, Diane."

"How long were you together?"

There really wasn't a time frame, not one that he could stick to and it often shamed him that was so obsessed with the woman for too long a while. It made him miss certain aspects of his life, like the fact that his physical attraction for Mac had blossomed into so much more. "We were… complicated. She was crypto, me a pilot...Different oceans. If I was being honest… I don't think we really had a shot."

"Is that hindsight talking?"

"No… I knew it back then too." He admitted, frowning when he thought back to there plans to spend the weekend in her family's cabin. It was his idea to plan some sort of future, being at JAG allowed him this.

"What about your next serious relationship?"

Annie. Harm nearly rolled his eyes when he thought about whatever blurb of a relationship they had. Truth be told, he was rather grateful when she broke up with him. "That one was never gonna work out. I kept...well I kept hoping she was the girl I knew a decade earlier."

"People change." She said with a knowing smile that did not placate her patient.

"We do but, she…" He stopped, sighing almost desperately at how his infatuation with the woman he once knew clashed with the neurotic woman he dated. Harm wasn't sure if he was seeing her through rose coloured glasses in the past but, dating Annie was stifling. "I almost hate admitting this..." He paused, trying not to seem like an insensitive jerk speaking badly about a woman. "She was paranoid about everything...mostly her son...I wanted to help him out and made a mistake… a big mistake that she never forgave me for." Mac was right to call her neurotic.

"How so?"

"Annie was the wife of my former best friend. He died in an F-14 crash and I was always enamored with her, I guess. When Luke died she became… well, she lost it after that. I don't blame her, but she became neurotic." Harm told her about the Navy Tiger cruise and the fib that allowed Josh to travel with him - pretending they were going sailing. "To be honest, I didn't see a problem. A Navy ship is formidable and with that many kids on board the Captain wouldn't have put us in harm's way." . It was unfortunate to have the ship taken over by Cuban freedom fighters or the roles they played in order to free the captors that were held by a manic woman strapped with explosives.

"Why lie to her if you wanted a relationship? Especially about her son."

It was the same question Mac had asked once followed by a tongue lashing that he deserved. "Josh was unhappy, I wanted to help… He wasn't too keen on Annie and me, I thought I would do something nice."

Ah, she understood, it was a way to buy the boy's love. Something that wasn't uncommon when dealing with troubled stepparents. "Any other relationship?"

"Two. The first was Jordan." He didn't think about her much anymore not since his life was turned upside down after Mac's wedding came to a screeching halt. Before, she often crossed his mind mainly, the guilt of choosing flying over her. It was the same guilt he felt for another relationship that took a blow at that time - his with Mac's. "We were… hot and heavy for a while. Jordan was a shrink and I think She was trying to break through my barriers."

"Did she?" Dr. Riley queried, once again making notes on Harm's file. She saw his pained expression, the way his shoulders slumped again as if she hit a raw nerve.

"No." It was another relationship that had begun to stifle him especially when he decided to return to flying. He figured someone who loved him, who cared would be as excited as he. Even when he was just looking at the possibilities, Jordan had loudly voiced her displeasure. Mac did too. He thought, frowning as he remembered his best friend acting more like a jilted girlfriend. Although, if he knew then what he knew now, he would not have left - it did more damage than good - he drove Mac into Mic's arms. "I'm sorry, Doc… spaced out a bit." He smirked and shifted on his seat. "What was the question?"

"Why did you split up?"

Harm sighed, "I returned to flying F-14s from a carrier for a while. She didn't take that well. When I came back, I tried...to… you know? Get back together, she wanted nothing to do with me."

"Did you talk about your plans to return to a carrier?"

He shook his head. "No, not really. I cared for her, loved her in a way but, we'd only been together a few months, it wasn't that serious, I don't think." He caught himself and bit his lip for giving truth to his own lies. Yes, he cared for Jordan but, she wasn't it. She was another woman in his life to pass the time. "There's one more relationship." Harm said, trying to get ahead of the doctor's next question. "And before you ask, it was Mac that broke us up."


	11. Something Happening

**Chapter 11 - Somerhing Happening**

To this day he really never knew how things between him and Renee got so serious. It was meant to be a few dates, a way to have some fun and relieve some stress. Both of their careers were stressful and they had that in common, but she wasn't the type of woman that he could see as his wife or the mother of his children. "I suppose I strung her along."

"Because you didn't want to be alone?"

Harm sighed, if only it were that easy. No, his relationship with Renee began when he and Mac couldn't find their footing after he returned to JAG. He was lonely, confused and she offered to warm his bed, to be the substitute for the woman he really wanted. When Mac became engaged to Mic, he tried to get closer to Renee and make it work. It didn't and never would...she wasn't Mac.

"I didn't love Renee. I purposely kept her at a distance while I jealously watched Mac almost marry someone else." It felt good to admit that outloud, the jealousy which consumed him at the time.

He didn't want to hurt Renee but, the woman's clingy personality had begun to drive Harm insane as was the insecurity, the comparisons with Mac, the asking about his dream girl. "I didn't intend to hurt her but, Mac was slipping through my fingers...So, I figured if Mac could be happy without me, I was determined to be happy without her."

Dr. Riley studied him for a moment, the sullen expression and slumped shoulders. "Your girlfriend saw through that?"

He nodded. "She always felt Mac had a hold on me, she was right "

"Did you ever intend to be serious with her? Have a family? Kids?"

"No." He admitted sadly.

"So that's another relationship you engaged in knowing you didn't want to follow through."

"She was fun at first…" Harm cringed at how badly that sounded. Fun made the woman sound like a stripper. "That came out wrong...We had fun, it was casual...Until it wasn't."

"Let's go back to the term I used: self-sabotage." Dr. Riley looked through her notes and began to pick apart his relationships one by one. "Diane, you said neither of you were willing to give up your careers...Jordan, you decided to omit that you were returning to a squadron until it was too late. Renee, you remained with because you couldn't have the woman you wanted."

It was difficult to remain calm, Harm's ire rose with each significant other the doctor ticked off the list.

"What does any of this have to do what I originally came here for? It sure as hell wasn't to dissect my love life!"

"No it wasn't but, it ties in."

"How does my murdered coworker have to do anything with past relationships?"

"Control…Or the semelance of it, your perception of it."

"What?" I see a man who's so afraid to lose control. Mac's words echoed in his mind. He didn't realize how well she knew him until that point and that inability to let go that plagued him all his life.

"You're want to control things is making you sabotage your relationships… all of them, especially when it's something you're passionate about."

"I wasn't trying to control dianr…I certainly didn't try to control Renee or Jordan… Singer...I…"

"No? Did you act rationally with any of them?" He didn't understand it was evident on his face. "Did you stop and consider that your actions had consequences for your relationship?"

"You saying I got them killed?"

"No, Commander. Your critical inner voice can't handle the loss of control needed to sustain healthy relationships. So you act out your defenses, make trouble for yourself."

"I wasn't in a relationship with Singer." The thought made him cringe and he still couldn't understand what Sergei saw in the woman. If Loren had a redeeming quality, Harm never found one. She was vindictive and foolishly arrogant.

"No but, you said yourself she was not well liked. You wanted something from her and let her reputation guide you. Rather than keeping calm and rational, you acted aggressively and controlling...Eseentially, you burned your own bridge."

He did, Harm realized a moment too late when the damage had alreasy been done. His treatment of Loren was shameful all because he didn't like her. "I just couldn't lose another part of my family."

"And you went about it the wrong way. Tell me, if she was carrying your brother's child and was not murdered how would your treatment of her given you the outcome you wanted?"

"It wouldn't have." Loren would have had an abortikn or given up the baby for adoption before ever considering the child as part of Harm's family.

"You were hurt at a very young age and that is something you have carried into adulthood. So you set boundaries, never letting anyone get too close and when they do, you find ways to pick it apart."

Harm mulled over the doctor's words and he began to pick apart his own demons.

Diane, they never really gave it a shot and hadn't really tried until his rampstrike. Even then, he still made up excuses about long distance relationships failing. It was true that they missed more than they connected and he was going to try and patch things up over a weekend knowing Diane would not have accepted.

Annie, there breakup was actually a Godsend when he couldn't figure out how to step away without hurting her. It was toxic and he hung on too long knowing things wouldn't work out because he cared for her son, the ready-made family.

Jordan, that began hot and heavy but, Harm never anticipated the woman would be so insecure or that she wanted a commitment so soon. In the end he prefered the smell of jet fuel over her sweet perfume.

Renee, another relationship which went on for far too long because he didn't want to be alone.

Singer, he knew his actions could have been different. Instead, he barreled into her because she had always been an adversary.

"You are avoiding attachment to anyone, Commander. Your actions are dictated over the hurt you felt watching your mom move on. Inwardly, you may feel the same, that others will move on without you...When you returned to flying did you contact your friends back home?"

"No...Well Mac...two emails."

"Two emails?"

"Yes."

"Why just two?"

"I was busy…" God that sounded so lame. She was his friend, his best friend and Harm didn't really try to contact her just expectwd to he welcomed back with open arms.

"Busy? I'm sure your friends would have liked hearing from you...And you were avoiding them. Because it reminded you of the life you left behind...What happened when you returned?"

Harm didn't want to think about it, how life went on as if he'd never set foot in JAG before. It was painfuly awkard and took months for him to find some sort if foothold. "I was replaced...At least it felt that way. Mac had a new partner, everyone...life just went on without me."

"But you didn't do anything to keep those relationships healthy did you?"

"No."

"And you expected them to welcome you with open arms when you chose flying over your life at JAG"

Harm leaned forward, the questioning accusarions hitting a little harder than he would have liked. "What was I supposed to do? Not try? That was taken away from me by a misdiagnosis! I would have still been a pilot or even the Cag by now."

"So your current life at JAG was and still is a fall back position?"

"Yes!...No! I…" He took a breath and then settled back down. JAG was never in his immediate future, it just sort of happened and he was good at it. "Doc, there was never supposed to be a plan B...I had to figure something out, I was good at law and the investigations got me close enough to flying until I was allowed to get behind the stick again."

"You're a lawyer...why not let go of flying jets?"

"Because it's what I love the most."

"Because it keeps you close to your father. You want to be like him."

Of course he did, every young boy wanted to be just like their father. "He was a good man."

Dr. Riley hated pulling this card but she needed him to realize how infallible everyone was. "A good man who cheated on your mother."

"No...I...He waa a good man. And I...Oh God." Harm thought about his father, his own personal hero that had been idolized to a fault. The man made a mistake and Harm was left to carry that burden for life. He felt the tears stream down his cheeks and brought his hands up to cover his face as he cried.

Harm wanted to be just like his hero minus the agony of leaving loved ones behind. Perhaps Dr. Riley had a point, he was purposely wrecking each relationship to make it easier to move on.

"He was human...And you are not your father, Harm. You don't have to be...You need to let go of that control he has over you."

Harm stood, brushing his tears away as he stepped to the windows. It was raining and he found the weather suited his current mood. "I want to be like him but, I don't measure up...the only thing we have in common anymore is the Navy."

"Have you forgiven him for the infidelity?"

"No. I can't. I still love him but…I can't." And that in and out of itself hurt him so deeply. What memories he still had of his parents had been a joyful kind of love. They were always happy, always laughing. How could his father turn his back on that? "So what now?"

"You need to realize that not everyone is out to hurt you. There are things out of your control and it's alright."

Harm snorted. "You sound a bit like Mac, she's tried to challenge that theory."

"So, stop putting roadblocks up...Your situation with your coworker wouldn't have escalated had you not take matters into your own hands." Dr. Riley stomped and slowly made her way over to Harm offering him a box of tissues. He flushed with embarrassment as he took two and blew his nose. "Stop sabotaging the good things in your life."

Why was it when she spoke of the good, his mind immediately went to his Marine. Yes, his Marine, once he saved her from poachers so long ago, Mac became his. "I'll try, Doc and I know exactly where to start."

"Good." She went back to her desk and made a few notes on her file. "I'll make my recommendation to allow you back to work with specific instructions that you are to see me twice a month for the next six months. Just to see how you're adjusting."

Harm breathed a sigh of relief. He missed his friends, his life at JAG and he missed Mac. "I'd like that. Thank you, doc, for everything."

* * *

That evening he stepped outsise with a renewed sense of purpose and a desire to complicate the hell out of this thing with Mac. She made him happy, why was he denying himself the chance of a full life wity her? At once he pulled out his cellphone and punched the familliar numbers to her direct line.

She would still be at the office, possibly wrapping up case files for the day. Mac answered in just three rings with a familiar,_ "Lt. Colonel MacKenzie."_

"Hey beautiful."

_"Hey sailor!"_ He could practically hear the smile in her voice and imagined her beaming just as much as he was. _"Are you a free man?"_

"Yep. Cleared to work full time starting Monday...I have to say, this last session was...enlightening. I wanna talk to you about it, it's kinda wild, Doc's theory." He still wasn't buying the self-sabotage theory but, that didn't mean he couldn't discuss it with her.

"_Wild good or wild bad?"_

"Good, I think." First things first, they had a 'date' of sorts and he swore to bring desert. Harm found himself looking forward to spending time with her. " So, about our little date, do you still like that chocolate mousse from that French place in Alexandria? I'll pick some up before I head over."

That was when Mac's happy tone faded to one of annoyance._ "Uh, about that… Raincheck? Webb stopped by, and needed my help for something. I kind of want to say no but…"_

"Your curiosity and sense of duty was piqued?"

"_Oh yeah. I'm heading to Langley, not sure how long it's gonna be."_

"Just don't let him rope you into one of his schemes."

Mac sighed heavily,_ "I had a nice evening planned..I wanted to spend time with you."_

"Me too." Harm was planning on flowers, something a little more exotic than red roses. And dessert, he couldn't forget dessert if only to watch her expression as she devoured each chocolate morsel. "Mac...I uh...well… I, you know…" He let out a breath, why was it still so hard to say? "I...love...you."

_"I love you too...It's not so hard to say."_

No and it was getting easier for him. "Call me when you get home, no matter the time."

"I will...Bye."


	12. All That Tough

**Chapter 12 - All That Tough**

_Three days._

It had been three whole days since Harm last saw Mac. And he didn't like it one bit. He entered an almost empty bullpen and made a beeline for his office finding hers dark, as it had been for the previous day and the day before that. Her meeting at Langley had led to something more substantial and for a time she would be assigned to the CIA with no deadline on a return.

They spoke every night, short phone calls to let him know she was alright but tired and busy. Her mission was _classified_ and as such, the agency kept Mac on a short leash with impossible hours that left little time for much else. Each time they were about to hang up, Harm tried to tell her that he loved her. Each time the call disconnected without giving him a chance.

He wondered what type of assignment for the agency required the use of a military lawyer which was why he practically stalked Chegwidden before the rest of the staff arrived. "Morning, sir. May I have a word with you?"

"You're here early." AJ said, staring at the Commander with a raised brow.

"I am."

He folded his arms across his chest and levelled Harm with one of those famous commanding officer scowls. "You're never here early."

Harm resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "No, sir… It's… well, it's about Mac...Uh, Colonel MacKenzie and her assignment at Langley."

"Classified, Commander. You know the ropes."

"For how long, sir? I just...Mac and me…We've… uh...I _need_ to see her." That morning he woke with an overwhelming feeling which settled over his chest - a sort of panic attack that took far too long to wane. The feeling came and went again as he walked past Mac's office and Harm couldn't help but believe that something was wrong. "I think...I _know_ she shouldn't be there...and if I could just.."

"I'll get you the number for my contact in the agency but, Harm, I was warned this would take a while. You may not be able to reach her." He stared at the younger man for a moment and noticed a definite change in his demeanor. Some of that arrogance was gone and he seemed to speak his partner's name with such reverence that instantly he knew. "How long have the two of you been dating?"

"Am I that transparent?"

"Normally, no but, the way you said Mac's name gave you away." He grinned at Harm. "I'm happy for you, both of you just keep whatever this is out of the office."

"Aye, sir."

* * *

The rest of the day Harm spent with his head buried in case file after case file, trying to make sense of the Imes debacle. There were so many cases that needed to remain shut, to not let potentially evil people back out into the World and others he would get a shot to defend again and secure a victory for his client. Wearily he brushed a hand over his face. The cases just never seemed to end. "Rabb." Harm said into his receiver when he answered an incessantly ringing phone.

"_Harm. It's me."_

Despite his exhaustion, her voice instantly perked him up. "Hey, beautiful."

"_What time do you leave work?" _

He grinned, hopeful to see her again and settle into some sort of normalcy. "For you my dear, Colonel, anytime… Pick the time and place and…"

He should have initially caught her timbre or the rushed way Mac spoke into the phone. She also wasn't pleasant or friendly like the woman who spoke to him several days earlier. Her voice was like steel and so impersonal. "_Harm, stop… What time?" _

She'd shut down his attempt at flirting and her voice was demanding now, harsher. Something was clearly wrong and he felt a chill roll down his spine. "Mac. What happened?"

"_Damnit, Harm. What time?"_

He raised his wrist up, glanced at his watch and did a mental countdown. "Three hours give or take."

She sighed then, long and almost exasperated and that sinking feeling pulled at him a little more. "_Okay… I'll stop by your place later….I can't be there long."_ And that was that, no goodbye, just a definitive click to her line which left him staring at the receiver in confusion.

When he arrived home, Harm busied himself with dinner, making a simple rice chicken dish in order to keep himself occupied. He'd secured early and had no way of reaching Mac to let her know. The hours ticked by so damned slowly and when she finally arrived, he was surprised by what he saw.

Mac ambled into his apartment wearing a simple black dress which did nothing to hide her swollen belly. He stared at her like an alien had invaded her body and couldn't help the eyebrows which shot up in confusion. As far as he knew, her belly had been flat just a few short days ago. What the hell was this?

She actually laughed when he pressed his hand to the padding and then withdrew only to continue staring at her. "There's a story here...What kind of crap did Webb sucker you into now?"

"The classified kind, I'm afraid." _Classified._ God how he hated that word. It never amounted to anything good and always got those involved into some sort of trouble. "This assignment is going to take a while. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone… I just… I _needed_ to see you, make sure you're alright." She pressed a hand to the side of his face and sadly looked into his eyes. They were _finally_ in the right place at the same time. "You've been through a lot...I'm sorry I ruined your plans."

"Not ruined, just changed." He took her hand, threading his fingers through hers. Harm tried to guide her to the kitchen table, trying to delay the inevitable. Instead she pulled her hand out of his,.letting it drop to the side. _No. _"Mac...Is it dangerous? It is isn't it?"

"Very…. We leave in the morning." She noticed it then the table set with several lit candles, flowers, the soft music in the background, despite telling Harm this meeting would be quick. Mac walked to the table, her fingers brushing over the petals of the small bunch of roses in a short vase. She turned to him with a watery smile and forced herself to remain in check. "I can't stay along although I want to… I want to be here with you more than anything."

"Where's he taking you?"

"Paraguay. I can't tell you more than that. I don't know too much myself."

Harm heard her breath catch when he touched her. His hand lightly moving down her arm. He took her hand again and then pulled enough so that Mac stepped into his embrace. He kissed her completely and felt the moment her body surrendered to him, molding them into one. "Don't go." He rested his forehead against hers, his voice pleading. "Don't go."

Mac sighed. She shouldn't have come. Webb warned her not to but, she needed to see Harm, needed him to know he really was alright. "I'm coming back you know."

"Mac...I have a bad feeling about this… Webb can't protect you."

"I'm a Marine, it'll be fine."

"Goddamnit! You're _not_ bulletproof, Sarah!"

"Harm, stop. I have to do this." She stepped out of his arms, instantly missing him. Damnit, this was harder that she thought and the look in Harm's eyes was having a devastating effect. Even so, Mac gave him a quick peck on the cheek and walked towards the door.

Her hand was on the door knob when she turned to give him a sad smile. "You finally tell me that you love me and I have one foot out the door."

"I should have told you sooner."

God how she wanted to walk back to him and let his strong arms save her from something that was making her feel so apprehensive. Her pride wouldn't let Mac give in, honor and duty made her open the door wider. "I love you, Harmon Rabb Jr. No matter what...I love you more than you'll ever know." And then she was gone.

* * *

Sleep had been hard to come by, Harm's mind kept running through viable options, ideas, plans on how he could stop Mac. She was determined, hell, he'd be too if the agency taped him for help. But there was something off, something wrong and he couldn't shake that feeling.

Which was why the nightmare began…

He was running hard, feet pounding pavement until there was nowhere left to go. The alleyway led to a dead end with a wall too high to jump over and doubling back was not an option. The sound of a gun made his ears ring and soon Harm found himself pressing his hand to his chest, to a wound that grew increasingly painful... He couldn't breathe, couldn't speak and as his soul began to leave his body he looked down and saw _her. _"Mac? No...No."

He hadn't been the one running, it was Mac. She was sprawled on the wet, filthy asphalt, a hand pressed against her chest. That black dress, the one he'd last seen her wearing was torn to shreds and it hung limply where the pregnancy belly once was. She was deathly pale, so so pale and getting worse by the second.

"Help! Someone help!" He tried to stop himself from hovering over her and tried to drop down to help, to save her but, in a bright white flash the vision was gone. It was gone because she had died…

It forced him to wake covered in swear, sitting up to call her name on a strangled scream. Harm's chest was heaving, his heart racing. It was just a dream but it felt real, too real. The rush of adrenaline forced him out of bed as it rushed through his veins and forced him into action.

He dressed hastily, throwing on jeans, a t-shirt and his bomber jacket before grabbing his keys. Mac was in danger or would be once she arrived at Paraguay. She wouldn't make it back, he was sure as the air that we breathed that Mac would be left to die. The CIA wouldn't go after her, he knew their rules of engagement.

The only way was to stop her.


	13. Walls Burn Down

Well here we are at the end of another story.

Not sure why just couldn't finish this one off sooner. It was looming, I had a few other ideas of what I wanted to do but, in the end I like this one. and it wraps things up nicely. :)

**Chapter 13 - Walls Burn Down**

Harm couldn't comprehend the pressure against his chest that wouldn't let him take a deep breath. He struggled to inhale and even pressing a palm to his sternum did nothing to ease the terrible sensation. Was this what a panic attack felt like? Or did he fall into such an instant pit of depression that he just couldn't function anymore? Christ what had Mac done to him? And why had he let her?

He'd been so careful with his heart around her, kept pushing away because it made sense until these stupid therapy sessions awakened the sleeping monster inside of him. Harm never realized that giving up control meant falling so hard it hurt to see her walk away from him and it hurt to know that another man would be there to keep her safe, not him.

That sort of combination wasn't going to work, he knew. They were good together, kept each other safe. She and Webb didn't have that dynamic or the silent conversations which transcended mere words. And so he'd raced to Dulles, his mind a frenetic mess while trying to figure out what methods he could use to force Mac to stay. The nightmares of her death played over and over in the back of his mind like some b-rated movie reel on a loop. Each time he swore he could feel the bullet striking him as it did her. He could sense Mac's desperation, the anguish as her life slipped away and he was damned if he would let this assignment get that far.

Punching Webb was a foremost thought if the spook tried to intervene but he knew Mac wouldn't appreciate the Neanderthal approach. And so he would reaffirm his feelings for her, beg, plead whatever would work. He wasn't above tossing her over his shoulder and hauling her off, pregnancy suit and all.

Only he'd arrived too late. The plane had already begun to push away from the jetway and with it went his heart. Harm stood by the tall airport windows watching the plane angle down the runway and eventually take flight. Trips to Paraguay were unavailable for a few days so he couldn't just up and give chase; he wouldn't know where to start anyway. He had connections but, by the time they found Mac and Webb hell could have broken loose.

And so he sat in his car, head buried in his hands as he tried to make sense of where exactly things went wrong. Losing his father had begun his inner turmoil, Diane's murder had reaffirmed it and if he lost Mac, Harm knew he was done. The revelation shocked him but, then he remembered the conversations in therapy, the realization that he'd held back because he didn't want to feel the pain of a broken heart.

And this wasn't just a normal broken heart, losing Mac would crush him and leave nothing but an empty shell of a man. It scared him that Mac had that kind of control over but, it was no use trying to avoid or ignore his feelings. Therapy had split him wide open, made him vulnerable to her and for some reason he wanted it that way.

Dejectedly, he climbed the steps to his apartment sighing deeply as he tried to come up with another plan. He would still give chase but he needed more information not head off half cocked and without any intel. It struck him as odd that his door was open and even stranger that a lone figure was seated on his sofa illuminated by the soft glow of a corner lamp.

"Harm?" She spoke and that was all that it took for Harm to kick the door closed and race into Mac's waiting arms. He kissed her the way he missed her, a desperate desire that roughly joined his lips with hers until they needed to breathe. Even then, he was still kissing her, his lips peppering across her face tenderly. "What happened?"

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave you." She sighed sadly, tucking her head down in shame. The last few hours felt like a lifetime had passed and she just couldn't get over the ache of leaving him. Mac had returned to Langley revising final instructions all the while thinking of Harm. She couldn't wrap her head around the nagging feeling that something would go wrong; that she'd never, ever see him again.

That is what prompted her to ask Webb about her involvement and why she was chosen given the talented female officers in the CIA who were trained for this sort of thing. The assignment that once seemed exciting was now weighing over her likely to give a final, crushing blow. Webb's answer wasn't slick or appeasing enough, that cool personna only mentioned that Mac was 'right for the job.' Despite the danger, all of the minutiae of their last run through when right over her head. Information that she had diligently studied was all but forgotten and she found herself panicking.

The drive to the airport was particularly painful. She kept replaying Harm's plea, kept closing her eyes and seeing his look of desperation and sadness. Why had she left him? How could she?

And so despite honor and duty or the fact that Webb likely didn't have backup, Mac decided to end her assignment or rather Webb did as she hesitantly stopped on their way to the jetwalk.

_"You're not going with me are you? It's Harm, isn't it?" _ Clay had asked seemingly a little too understanding and confessed a moment later that his operation wasn't a two person job but that he wanted to spend time with her and finally saw that chance.

_"He's it for me. I can't leave him, not now." _And with that Mac and the spy parted ways. She hailed a cab to North of Union Station and was thankful to find his spare key still in the electrical box near the elevator. Mac had nearly fallen asleep when she heard him push open the door.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't leave you." She lowered her head and sighed. "I'm a Marine. I'm supposed to be able to do these things but, I have a bad feeling."

He tucked a finger underneath her chin and raised her head up. "I did too. _R_eally bad ones." He framed her face with his hands and kissed her slowly. One the coffee table Harm noticed her coat was draped over a bundle of some sort. Upon further inspection he noted the dress she wore was entirely too loose. Mac had stripped out of the pregnancy suit.

Harm grabbed the device and held it up noting it weighed more than he thought. "One day I promise to give you the real thing."

She took the suit from him and dropped it onto the sofa. Her hands came to his chest and beneath her palm she could feel his heart racing which matches her own erratic beats. . Mac was biting her lower lip in anticipation hoping that this would be the last time they'd never push each other away. "I was hoping we could start practicing tonight."

"You want to?" Even as he asked, Harm's mouth dropped to her neck where he swirled his tongue over her pulse point and then kissed his way back to her lips.

"Never wanted anymore more in my life." She could help how breathy her voice sounded or the surprised gasp when raised her up so that her legs would wrap around his waist. "I love you."

"I love you too."

_**Six Months Later**_

Harm leaned against the door frame watching his wife raise four different kinds of bathing suits to eye level only to shove each and every one into her already packed suitcase. Mac was usually very smart about packing, being a Marine taught her how to roll clothing into barely nothing enabling her to pack light while on assignments. For their little Christmas break vacation (and their honeymoon six months before that) she packed like a girl. It was a distinction that made him laugh considering he was planning on keeping her in as little clothing as possible.

They were married a month after she nearly left to Paraguay, he'd proposed to her with nothing more than words and a promise to love her forever. Eventually Mac would get a ring, a simple diamond on a white gold band which belonged to his grandmother. The ceremony was a small affair near Norfolk where they wed at the edge of a lighthouse and had a reception by the sea. Thankfully, Chegwidden had kept his promise to keep them together as long as possible dogging Navy regulations and politics, eventually placing Mac in the judiciary.

"Add the blue one." He finally said, pushing off the frame to yank a little blue bikini out of the top drawer.

Mac's eyebrows hit her hairline. That little number was actually her raciest one. The cups barely contained her breasts, the bottom was just shy of being a full G-string that tied with little strings at her hips. It left very little to the imagination and had been a honeymoon present for him while they were on their little secluded slice of paradise. This time, there was a little problem. "Your parents will be there."

"So?"

"Harm. I may as well walk around naked in that thing."

His grin only seemed to spread wider. "Works for me."

Rolling her eyes, she took the scrap of fabric from him and shoved it back into the drawer only to find it shoved into her suitcase two seconds later. "Your parents are gonna go broke on us."

"Frank is the VP of Chrysler. Mom's studio is _beyond_ successful. They'll be alright."

She'd heard the explanation before but, it still made her self conscious. Everything Mac had up to this point had been purchased with hard work, sweat and yes, some tears. She'd made a life for herself without a lot outside help and being showered with gifts along with Trish and Frank's love was still taking some getting used to. "They bought us a house. Sent us to Aruba for our honeymoon and now Christmas in the Bahamas?"

Harm came up close to her, his arms wrapping around her waist from behind as his lips found that little spot on the side of her neck. She melted into his touch and the slow, open mouth kisses he trained from behind her ear down her collar. "Mom says you make me happier than she's ever seen me. She wants to make sure I keep you around."

"Oh, I'm staying around. I'm the ol' ball and chain, remember?"

She raised her hand up and wiggled her fingers to show off her wedding band only for him to take that finger into his mouth and nibble the tip. "You aren't a ball and chain. You're the only woman I've ever been with which was my equal."

"I know… I was just joking." Mac's arms came over his and she leaned back into the hard planes of his chest as they rocked slowly side to side. "I have something for you." She said suddenly and pushed against his embrace until he let her go.

"A Christmas present?" He dropped onto the edge of the bed and watched her disappear into their office returning back with a thin rectangular white box with a red bow on top of it.

"Mmm Hmm."

"I thought we decided not to exchange gifts this year." In his mind, he couldn't possibly need anything more. He had a good career, was married to the woman he loved and his shoes were pretty damned comfortable too. Life was good.

"Yes. Is that why you snuck that large box into the garage on Friday?" She chuckled as he shook his head and then dropped into his lap wrapping one arm around his neck to steady herself. "I know it's not Christmas yet but, open it today." Mac placed the box in his hand and chewed on her lower lip as he unraveled the bow and ribbon and carefully removed the top.

Inside was a white stick with two blue lines displayed on a tiny screen. She glanced at the stick when he did as if in disbelief that she was, indeed, pregnant with his child. "It's gonna take a few months for you to get your present but…"

"We're pregnant?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Six weeks or so. Due in July."

Harm took the stick between his fingers studying the lines with the utmost wonderment. His other hand pressed against her still flat belly which he could already imagine swollen with child. She would make the most beautiful pregnant woman, he knew but then maybe Harm was a little biased. His eyes filled with tears, the happy kind and although he wasn't much of a crier, he couldn't help the ones that spilled down his cheek. "I love you, Mac."

"I love you too, Harm. Forever."

"Yeah. _ Forever_."

**THE END.**


End file.
